Template

It took me the longest time to actually change my blog template, and... I think I just wanted to try something new.  I've had the same template since I first started, and I wanted to change my mindset, I guess.  (*sobs* it looks so different....) I miss the simplicity of my old temp.  But I do hope this one works out, because I think I just... want to change. 

Choking Inside

Day by day, I wonder how long I can fool my self.  Lie, constantly.  Half the time, I feel like I'm choking inside - a painful feeling right in the middle of my chest.

"It's going to be alright." "I don't love him anymore." "He... never meant anything to me." "There's still friendship between us."  "I'll become stronger, I'll try harder."   

"I know who I am.  Me."

Things ring through my mind, and whenever I think of someone, someone who meant something to me... it hurts.  It hurts to know that it'll never be the same.  It hurts to know that someday, we'll have forgotten all about eachother, and the days we were together will become a distant, buried memory.

But you know what he would say?  That's life.  Bloody, cruel, unfair, life.

Which is why he ran away from it, and closed himself off.  Right now, I can't really blame him.  I can't blame him for cutting connections, for faking smiles.  For feeling damn confined.  I've been there, done that.  In the end, it's all the same.  I'm still chained in tears, in pain.  In loss. 

Sometimes, I think I spent my life... loving the wrong people, living for illusions and prancing dreams.  

Somehow

Before, I remember idly waiting for his reply, just being cheered up at looking at my inbox.  I remember wishing I could have saved him. 

Of course now, I ridicule at that.  I know now that no matter how hard I tried, he would have stayed the same.

He was the most important person in my life, and I only realize this now.  He changed my life, and somehow, I still need him.  I guess this is a matter of friendship, of wanting to be accepted.  Of being someone who can accept herself.  To be stronger, to lose that soft side.

Somehow. 

Forever Young

Back from the dead (or camp) after three weeks.  I just had the best time of my life, but now it's over, I guess.  I'll never forget what happened these past weeks, days.  I truly danced (at a dance) for the first time in my life.  I basically spilled my whole... story of my past to a friend.  I learned so much, and I've had an awesome teacher and TA.  My roommate was awesome, my classmates were great. 

But everything comes to an end. 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

-Maya Angelou

I won't forget these days, that Mr. Brightside dance, even the slow dances (Forever Young), playing Pres(ident), learning Crypt, or sitting next to a tree (called Berlin) in the mornings.  I'll never forget the people I spent my time with.   

CODEA.LAN.11.1

"Forever young, I want to be forever young... do you really want to live forever, forever young."