Trust.

So tired. As always, right? Aggh. Today was okay. Got off of piano because my mom was late XD... school was just okay.

The Hunger Games - absolutely awesome series. Just reading the second book. Awesomeness.

Talked with my mom a bit about love, etc. You know when someone comes into your life - and you feel that it's just for one reason? And not your really loved one. Well, I know that feeling. I really do.

Haven't been feeling that great recently. Not as in physically sick...but just not mentally. I don't know. I just feel that I don't belong, and I will never. Ha. Of course.

___________________________________________________________________


I'm going to start writing. This is the story of my everyday life. I won't write because of the glory. Or just to show off. Or anything like that. I write because I want to be heard. I write because I want to let it all out.

Everything is different. Nothing is the same.
Because I'm a dis illusionist.

I'm not going to create a silly fantasy that isn't at all real. But the things I write, they are how I imagine them. There are bonds, that you always thought you were there. Special relationships, that you thought that were there. But in reality, they weren't. And you end up disappointed. And I won't use real names, real things to the exact detail. Because I just won't. So, in the end...

This is just a story of a girl. Another girl. That didn't ever happen. Right? Ha.

This is for the people I live with everyday. But especially to GL, and mostly, MH. He is the one who makes me who I am, not someone who lost her way. Both of them helped.

Today was average. Hate how I missed a day on Friday, and now I'll have to make up the work tomorrow. Luckily I have blocked schedule. I was out of it today. Just out of it. Don't know where I was...but it didn't feel right. Ugh. Wish we could have missed more school. Selfish, right? Today...I don't know. I felt somewhat annoyed when my partner for gym got taken away by my other friend... tch. Feel so childish when I shouldn't be. But I want to move on. To grow up. To go to college. And move on. Sometimes, I feel pissed off when I shouldn't be. So empty when I shouldn't be. And today...just got reminded of someone. Of James. I still remember, those days when I felt accepted, I felt wanted. I really miss him.

I don't fit in. Not really, not with many people. Maybe at school...maybe. And maybe at home... maybe. But with my cousins? Not really. I don't want to go into that. The sin weighed down, tch. Anyways. But I don't fit in at church, which I go to only during the summer. I don't fit in at Chinese school, because I feel insanely stupid. And most of all, I don't fit in with another group of friends, not at school, but just a group of friends I hang out with. I don't belong. I can feel that emptiness, gnawing at me. I'm not wanted, I don't fit in, I'm not one of them. And it's lonely. So lonely.

And honestly, the tears I want to fall only fall when I don't want them to. And when I start to slightly cry, I think of James, and that really makes me want to cry more. Ironic?

That's all.

No school.

Wow. We got off of school Monday and today...and now they've announced that we have no school for the rest of the week! Awesome. Because it snowed a whole lot on saturday...and we're due for more snow tonight and tomorrow. XD Really happy.

Started hearing this song the radio...sometimes, I can't help but think it's somewhat true. Somewhat.

According to you - Orianthi
According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I cant do anything right
According to you
I'm difficult
hard to please
forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
cant show up on time
even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistible
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything I'm not according to you

According to you
I'm boring
I'm moody
and you cant take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
you're the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you


But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistible
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything I'm not
according to you

I need to feel appreciated
like I'm not hated. oh no
Why cant you see me through his eyes?
Its too bad your making me decide.

But according to me
you're stupid
you're useless
you cant do anything right
But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistible
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything I'm not
according to you
you you
according to you
you you

According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I cant do anything right.

.......and I can't help thinking that the guy I used to like is now a complete stranger. Well, no. I probably still like him. And I can't help thinking that if I stayed with him, then I could have loved him forever, even if it was unrequited. Ha. But I guess that's not how it always turns out, right?

On a 'I can't help thinking' role.

I can't help thinking that without one of my friends, I would be lost forever, and unable to move ahead. He has helped me a huge amount, and I still yet cannot find a way to repay him.

And I can't help thinking that I'm being really selfish, honestly. Nothing is really wrong with my life. I am blessed by the Lord. A well off family, a good education, yeah. But why do I always feel so unappreciative?

Snow.

AAGH. I think I've seen more than enough snow for a year. >_>. Ugh. About...2 to 3 feet? I don't know. The power was out for about 32 hours? somewhere around there.

Ugh.

Didn't have school yesterday...and I hope we don't have school tomorrow. There's supposed to be a big snow storm tomorrow...and next wednesday. I hope. XD.

To someone who used to be a close friend -

Is it just me,
Or are you a completely different person?

You act like you're all that,
And somehow slightly ignore me.

Perhaps it was me being naive,
and thinking that it was like it used to be.

I don't know you anymore.
Because you aren't there standing next to me.
You're gone.

Whi.

Broken.

I don't know anymore. All I can feel is that it's broken apart. I don't even know you anymore. Those past memories seem like an illusion, a dream, something that won't come back again.

I don't want to love you anymore. I don't want to be hurt by someone who doesn't even know. I don't want to be living in the past, being disillusioned by mere figures that won't come back.

It's not pain. It's just confusion.