Dreams

Is it crazy to feel loss for forgetting about a character?  Is it crazy to start to 'love' that character, especially when you've made her yourself?

Ryn... was everything, no, is everything that I want to be.  She has a bad past, but she's strong and independent.  She has power, and she's... brilliant.  Of course, it's only my opinion.

I had a dream about her last night.  I could see her clearly, with her black jacket and gloves, with her lace-up boots and weary eyes.  On her back was her katana, and she... just resonated. 

I think right now I'm so desperate for something that I can't even think of clearly that it's driving me crazy.

Role-play profiles will come soon, of characters that I created and loved.

Waiting, Watching

Quick post from Colorado, with my family at our annual ski/snowboard trip.  I'm sore, tired, and ready to switch back to my skis, but I must say that I have gained respect for snowboarding.  (Snowboarding on ice is miserable)  Colorado is beautiful, it's really pretty up here. 

Funny thing is, I've been thinking more and more of what the hell I'm going to do in my life, of how I wouldn't have survived had I not met the people I met, of where Max is and hoping he's moved on and gained hope.

I doubt most of those things will happen/show their answers anytime soon.  

You know how people say to never let go of your dreams and chase them?  In this lifetime, I doubt I will listen to them.  Society doesn't work that way.  People survive, people fall.  Teachers get less money than engineers.  Psychologists don't get many job offers unless to teach.  Electrical engineers are highly wanted now that we are more into electronics.  My dreams will most likely not come true, and even if I strive and strive, I will not survive.  Perhaps I'm being weak-hearted, being stupid and not putting enough effort in.  Perhaps.  But, the thing that I do know, is that the outside world, and society, is not forgiving and easy.

Here's a song that I've been hearing in my head recently, I hope that it'll bring hope to someone like it did to me.

By Your Side Lyrics

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

 

-Tenth North Avenue

Waiting, watching for hope and kindness to let go of love.

Before I Forget

Many people say they would like to change themselves, yet they protest that they cannot.  Hell.  If you want to go and change yourself, just go.  With a little bit of help and luck and boost of effort, miracles happen.  If you start looking at the beauty in everyday life, then things begin to change through your eyes.

Even this entry is a bit early, I thought I should get it over and done as I was thinking about it today. 

It's the end of 2010, and 2011 is coming in a few days.  Last year, I said that they new year always seems to take away something from me, and it never fails.  I have a feeling what's set out to happen.

Now that this year is coming to a close, I have a few things that I want to shout out to the world.

Things have gotten better this year, I partially let go of Greg, and even though I still have doubts about forgetting those memories, I'll just have to move on.  It's hopeless to think that I'll see most of them again, but it's never bad to still try.

I can't exactly remember when, but Marco left, and I honestly want to thank him.  He's made a necessary sacrifice, and I hope he's healed and gotten better at his love life.

It was around March to May when I met Thomas,  the "Frenchman".  I remember his light brown puffy hair and how he actually didn't think I was that bad at tennis.  Once again, another person I will not see again in my lifetime.  Farewell, for now.

I stopped seeing the darkness for a bit, and I think I let go of my life slightly.  I went to Japan and found magic that will not leave my heart.

I found feelings for someone else, but as always, it doesn't work.  The only thing I can do is to hope that one day it works out.

Thanks to the one with green orbs which illuminate and reflect the world. 

Actually, yesterday, I met Luke.  I had an enjoyable time, and I did laugh a lot.  He made me feel accepted, unlike all those other times where I'm standing quietly in the 'outer circle' (as he calls it).  Is it strange to start to like someone who's kind and makes you feel that way?  ("YES" says my other self.  That's one of the reasons why I'm stupid in emotions)

The person I truly have to thank the most is Max.  I can tell you right now that he is the person that I will lose, yet it's his choice, and his journey.  He's the one who answered all my questions, and told me the truth.  He's one of those people whom I will never forget yet will never, absolutely never, see or hear from again.

And I have to thank everyone I've met.  It's been an enjoyable year, in different ways.  Even though I'm not exactly in the Christmas Spirit, Merry Christmas.

Today

Today.... was good.  Kind of meshed together, but good.  It was the last day of school before the one week and a day break.  Sometimes I really hate the schooling system.  Anyways... only two out of my four classes today were productive.

In World Studies, my teacher had to finish doing the Geography Bee Contestants of our class, and it took really long because we have awesome people in the class.  So, the last thing we did was read a Dr. Seuss book because it relates with cultural diffusion.  Pretty good class.

In Band... we sight read music and talked/got tickets for the party during lunch.  Nothing really else to say.

Math... we actually did stuff.  I missed the stupidest things on my unit test.  >_>.  I was .5 off of getting the highest score in the class.  I got annoyed at myself, and then my friend started lecturing me. 

Lunch = Band party.

Spanish we did work, and I screwed up majorly on the quiz.  Really badly.  Then we were split into groups, and did some stuff on maps, and then I left 15 minutes early for an orthodontist appointment.  I was feeling down because the guy I have feelings for in my class didn't really say much to me, and he ignores me all the time now.  But hey, too late right now.

After I got back from the orthodontist appointment, went out for happy hour with my family and... two uncles.  It was enjoyable when we picked up one of my uncles and my cousin and his friend talked to us about how we should order more food so his dad comes home late.  Ha.  The whole dinner was good.

 My mom decided to go back to that uncle's house to hang out for a while, and so I had a lot of fun with my cousin and his friend (Luke).  We had a whole "Inner Circle", "Outer Circle" thing and we talked and laughed a lot.  It made me feel warm inside, though I doubt I'll see him again. 

That's pretty much it, for today. 

Caught up

Tangled is one of the sweetest movies I have ever seen.  It's so... creative and funny.  I watched it today with my sisters and mom.  Rare for us to go out on a weekday, but... I only have one day left of school before break and they're already off.  I loved Rapunzel and Eugene/Flynn.  Kind of makes me want to fall in love like that, but I know that in this world it's rare to happen.

Laughter

His eyes were green orbs that illuminated and reflected the world.

Our bus was late today, and with all the snow we were stuck on there for a long time, and it was a busy day.  We the mood light with a crossword, some songs, and discussions with all the people in the back:  Highschoolers, middleschoolers, we were laughing at almost every comment.  Even though my hands were cold as I clutched my cell phone, my heart stayed warm and I felt many smiles touch my face.  He talked to me again, and I could feel the intensity of his eyes as they almost saw through me, yet I was at peace.  We had a hapy, lucky to go guy sitting behind me, and we were all tried to solve his crossword.  The snow looked so... pretty, so beautiful as it came down.  

I don't have any regrets about today, just thanks in my heart. 

Simple Mindedness

I'm actually quite a simple-minded person, and I honestly just realized that today.  I'm rash, do things on impluse, etc.  That's... a given.  I'm not exactly one who can control my emotions very well.  But I do get happy really easily, which... is a bad thing.  And good, at the same time.

Today, I got on the bus, and as always, on Mondays (and Fridays as well) it's really busy.  So I asked one of my acquantinces/friends if I could sit next to him, I actually haven't spoke with him for a while because we just don't run into eachother, and we go to different schools (the bus contains students from 3 different schools).  He actually went to my elementary school, though he's a year older.  It was actually an enjoyable bus ride, we talked and laughed a bit (this is starting to sound like... a tea party), and he's an interesting guy.  It's rare that after a conversation, I find myself returning back to it again and again.  His eyes are like... green globes, though not clear, they are striking.  It was a good day, today.  

Yesterday was actually pretty good also.  Went to Chinese school, same as usual.  But after I talked on the phone with my sister in college, I started reading Hunter X Hunter (it's actually pretty good), and I watched 5 Centimeters Per Second.  

 

It was one of the most beautiful anime I have ever watched.  It had amazing scenery, and the thing that got to me most of all was the meaning of it.  It was basically, flat out: Life.  Life doesn't have perfect endings, and you begin to lose yourself as you get older, and loving someone hurts, and it worsens when you don't feel anything at all. It was sad, conflicted... yet peaceful.  

In the morning, I read the manga Seven Days.  There was a happy ending... yet I felt it was sad, for a strange reason. Well... who knows. 


Enough of my strangeness >_>.

Hurt

I'm so afraid of hurting someone, and so afraid to speak out.  A friendship works with both sides, and honestly I don't know if it's going to work out.  I have bonds, bonds that have to be broken in order for me to carry on.

I wish it wasn't so complicated, I wish that I didn't have to hurt one side, and I wish that this had never began like it did.