Happiness

Today, I was walking to the building my class was in, during the afternoon.  The sky was brilliant, with clouds of gray, white, and the sky was blue.  It was just brilliant.  I felt content, then.  I felt... satisfied.  It was only less than a minute when I walked to the building... but I thought about true happiness.  To be honest, I can only say about 2 or 3 times when I was truly happy in these past two years.  Last summer, and the december of 2008.  I felt... accepted, with friends.  I could push all my worries away. 

The sky... was brilliant.

The Sky

The one sight of nature that never fails to amaze me... is the sky.  Whenever I look up at it, I truly can feel it's brilliance.  Just the clouds, the morning sun rays, peeking through.  It's all beautiful.

Sometimes... I feel so confused.  Recently, I've been thinking about church, my future, etc.  Church.  Every week, I feel like I'm afraid to go.  Even though I used to be able to look forward to it... now I'm just afraid of being rejected.  There are so many flaws I have, compared to everyone else.    My future.  I was talking to my middle sister last night, about our parents.  She said something similar to that they want us to take the easiest road out, so when we're done with college, we can do whatever we want.  My parents want me to go to Electrical Engineering.  My dad said that it is the center of everything.  But... I honeslty can't say I want to do that.  And I have at least, if not more 8 years befor I'm out of college.  I can't put up with it... if I don't love it.  I said I wanted to do something like teaching, about creative writing or something.  To express yourself.  Or teaching about life, etc.  I don't know.  I'm just.... confused.  Lost.  Sick of this.  And I was also talking about high schools to go to.  For some reason, my mom's really against one of them, that I believe is a good school. 

...

For some reason I feel like I haven't posted in a while... but it's only been 2 days.  Lot of things happened, yet at the same time, not much actually did.  On Monday, got the day off from my class/camp/course thing, Federal Holiday because of the 4th of July on Sunday.  We and my two sisters, and mom went on a shopping trip to the outlet stores.  Fun, fun, fun.  Girl's day out? 

My fingers are freezing as I'm typing this.  Funny thing is, is that during the day, it's burning outside.  Like really, really hot.  But, inside, it's kind of cold.  Too much AC.

Too many emotions have been flickering through my head, and it's just... I don't know.  Wishing I could just look at the present, instead of desperatly searching for remenants of my past. 

Tears

From a love never meant to be...

but for who?

Lost

Memories.  Pain.  People.  Smiles.  Laughs.  Hate. 

Tears. 

The last week, I've been at the same campus as last year.  Memories keep on overflowing, the people that I love... are gone.  Lost because of lack of communication. 

I still love him, and it still hurts.

Does time truly wear away pain?  I had a discussion with my friend, earlier.  I argued against him, saying that it just... made the memories fade away.  

I'm trying to write it all down.  Last summer.  But there are gaps, spaces.  Memories long forgotten.  

Every time I enter that place, I can see those faces.  

It hurts. 

I don't know anymore.   Sometimes, I feel like I'm... truly lost, now.  

How ironic.