When you think about your life, and the meaning of what it has been, what do you think of? I asked myself this question last week, while I was sitting in the dark, trying to write a journal entry infront of my sister's room (who is in college). With a sickening realization, I came to the conclusion that pretty much all I have done, is to try to fulfill someone else's expectations, or trying to make myself look good. All my grades, my determination, my hard work. There are obviously some cracks where my own personality has seeped through - for one instance, the way I dress (in black), or how I write. But really, deep inside, is this all just me trying to be loved? To be... someone? Where has the true me gone? Am I just a being who has fallen into society's trap? I never knew how weak I was until then. Resumes, applications, etc. Why the hell does everything have to go to those? Why is all my club activities just for "another thing on your resume", or such and such? Why do my parents often control my life?
Why can't I just be... me.
My thoughts fluctuate so much, one moment I'm high up in hopes and faith, the next I'm like this. I don't know why, but that's just the way it goes; waiting for a bump in my life.I hate long blog posts, but this is going to have to be one.
Karate, for me, used to be... something enjoyable. But as I moved up a rank, and another, it got less enjoyable and just pressure, pressure, pressure. Not to mention that my sister is gone, in college. You know how when you're young and innocent, nothing can really affect you that much? How you have a lot of fun? When you get older, it starts to rapidly go up and down, changing. Now, all I do is get yelled at for being too slow, or being worse than the lower ranks. Why was I promoted? When can I stop? Honestly.
Recently, I've been watching a new anime called Wandering Son, or Hourou Musuko. It's about a boy who wants to be a girl, and a girl who just wants to be a boy. They're friends and as they enter middle school, relationship issues arise. The colors and the art are so... classic. The scenery isn't breathtaking as 5 Centimeters Per Second, nor is it as deep, but it's one of those anime that make you want to watch more.
The closing theme song, For You, is just... something I feel that I can relate to. The English mixed in with the Japanese makes the song good, too.
Even though I've already done a post on 5 Centimeters Per Second, it's really such an amazing anime that I have to visit over it again. At the end, it really made me cry. It was life, distance, relationships... yeah.
So good.
On a couple of varying occasions, my older middle sister and I talk about manga and anime - one thing that we have in common and enjoy talking to eachother about. (She doesn't tend to read books, and my elder sister doesn't tend to read manga) I decided to take on one of her recommendations and I read a shoujo manga called Orange Planet. It wasn't a particularly deep manga - but there was many love conflictions and feelings that I felt resounded with me. Some books and stories do that do you, I don't know why. But I recommend it, at the very least. (I'm not very good at explaining things, so I'll stay off of trying to tell a summary) But, 5 Centimeters Per Second was also my older sister's recommendation.
This is why I hate long blog posts; no one likes to read them and I can never finish them. Oh well.
