"Now I'll never have a chance."

Hear You Me (May Angels Lead You In)

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

I have nearly cried everytime I have heard this song.  No, he hasn't died yet.  But he's gone from my life and I'm letting go.  I'm sorry I never got to say thank you.  

I apologize for not posting since... forever.  And I know this isn't a very extensive post, but this song means a lot to me.  

Maybe

Audience of One - Rise Against
I can still remember
The words and what they meant
As we etched them with our fingers
In years of wet cement
The days blurred into each other
Though everything seemed clear
We cruised along at half speed
But then we shifted gears

We ran like vampires from a thousand burning sons
But even then we should have stayed
But we ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
To the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness away

But you ranaway
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

We ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Maybe our time's run past, maybe we cannot connect like we once did.  We just keep on running away, now.

Never the Same

I was originally going to write about the inspirations I've been having this week... but a wave of nostalgia caught me and I decided that there was someone I needed to write about. 

Back to the three weeks I spent up in PA, I made a really good friend that I think I related a lot to.  Generally, I'm not the type of person to be outgoing and talk to random people.  It was during the lunch hour, I believe, and I was outside on the "quad" or grassy area, sitting under a large tree... watching the sunlight trickle down through the branches.  A random guy came up to me, with his backpack (which he always carried around), and he asked if he could join me.  Eventually we got to know eachother well, and I found out that his class was on the same floor as mine.  And we started eating breakfast together each morning (we both ate early), etc...  If we weren't given these circumstances, I know we would have never gotten to know eachother.  He's living across the globe in Malaysia, and he's not usually the type of person I would talk to.  But I think he amazed me, when I got to know him better.  He has dreams, goals... and he's extremely hard working.  To be honest, there was one thought that flashed across my mind, everytime I talked to him.  He was like a king, watching over everyone.  Maybe it was the way he observed people, or the expression on his face.  I'm still not quite sure.

I remember on the last Wednesday, during the free time we had from 9 to 9:45, there was a slideshow and I decided to go over and watch it.  He saw me, and we started talking again.  He's been searching for a best friend on the internet, and somehow, I spilled everything about Max.  I think that was the final point that made us relate to eachother a lot.  But now that I realize it, he was so much different than me.  I'm so conflicted about my dreams, while he has a straight goal.  And... just our personalities, I guess.  But one thing that made me laugh was when he said he made friends easily with girls, but because of his religion (Islamic), he needed to find a "guy best friend".  Then I told him... "Is it just coincidence that the people important in my life are guys?"  I'll always remember that conversation, haha. 

Now that we're back home, I realize how far apart we truly are.  Some people you feel more comfortable talking to online, some face to face.  I guess he's the sort of person I really wanted to talk to in person.

The reason why I wrote this post about him (which I actually hope he never sees) was because I wanted to cherish the time we spent together and to remember the happiness that will never come back.  Even as much as we want it to, our friendship will never be the same.  It goes a lot like that, for everyone, at some point.  You just gotta let go. 

"This life chose me"

Make it stop,
Let this end.
This life chose me, I'm not lost in sin.
But proud I stand of who I am,
I plan to go on living.

Make It Stop (September's Children) - Rise Against

No words could have inspired me more, could have told me to keep on going.  To push past everything, and go find my life.  

Template

It took me the longest time to actually change my blog template, and... I think I just wanted to try something new.  I've had the same template since I first started, and I wanted to change my mindset, I guess.  (*sobs* it looks so different....) I miss the simplicity of my old temp.  But I do hope this one works out, because I think I just... want to change. 

Choking Inside

Day by day, I wonder how long I can fool my self.  Lie, constantly.  Half the time, I feel like I'm choking inside - a painful feeling right in the middle of my chest.

"It's going to be alright." "I don't love him anymore." "He... never meant anything to me." "There's still friendship between us."  "I'll become stronger, I'll try harder."   

"I know who I am.  Me."

Things ring through my mind, and whenever I think of someone, someone who meant something to me... it hurts.  It hurts to know that it'll never be the same.  It hurts to know that someday, we'll have forgotten all about eachother, and the days we were together will become a distant, buried memory.

But you know what he would say?  That's life.  Bloody, cruel, unfair, life.

Which is why he ran away from it, and closed himself off.  Right now, I can't really blame him.  I can't blame him for cutting connections, for faking smiles.  For feeling damn confined.  I've been there, done that.  In the end, it's all the same.  I'm still chained in tears, in pain.  In loss. 

Sometimes, I think I spent my life... loving the wrong people, living for illusions and prancing dreams.  

Somehow

Before, I remember idly waiting for his reply, just being cheered up at looking at my inbox.  I remember wishing I could have saved him. 

Of course now, I ridicule at that.  I know now that no matter how hard I tried, he would have stayed the same.

He was the most important person in my life, and I only realize this now.  He changed my life, and somehow, I still need him.  I guess this is a matter of friendship, of wanting to be accepted.  Of being someone who can accept herself.  To be stronger, to lose that soft side.

Somehow. 

Forever Young

Back from the dead (or camp) after three weeks.  I just had the best time of my life, but now it's over, I guess.  I'll never forget what happened these past weeks, days.  I truly danced (at a dance) for the first time in my life.  I basically spilled my whole... story of my past to a friend.  I learned so much, and I've had an awesome teacher and TA.  My roommate was awesome, my classmates were great. 

But everything comes to an end. 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

-Maya Angelou

I won't forget these days, that Mr. Brightside dance, even the slow dances (Forever Young), playing Pres(ident), learning Crypt, or sitting next to a tree (called Berlin) in the mornings.  I'll never forget the people I spent my time with.   

CODEA.LAN.11.1

"Forever young, I want to be forever young... do you really want to live forever, forever young."

Beginning

On Saturday, I had my hair cut.  Somehow, I guess most things I do are for symbolism.  I wanted a new beginning.  And this time, a better ending to the chapter. 

I ended school last week on Thursday; Wednesday was the last time I saw him.  Hopefully, the last time I would look at him with these feelings.  I'm moving on, because I know that my love for him would never be returned.  I wrote him a letter, and he told my friend... to tell me "thank you".  Even though he didn't say it straight out, I know that he rejected me.

I need to move on, and I need to end this love that began in September.

Words

It's been a while, more than a month.  I guess... I just kept putting it off, not wanting to write down a new post.  Nothing interesting recently, I suppose.  I keep on thinking life's average, but I hate the humps and hills that come up.  Sometimes, I hate the repetition, or the irregularity.  School's almost done for me, a week and a half left.  This summer's going to be... busy.  Volunteering, camp/course, etc.  I hate the end of the school year.  Too many people I won't ever see again in the upper class.  Too many words left unspoken.

Speaking of words... recently, I realized something that I hate.  Words can easily hurt me.  They can pierce through my heart, and break me into shattered pieces.  Sure, I can tape myself back together.  But it's never the same.  Sometimes, what people say, it doesn't matter.  But the people I care about, or who I want to... live up to their expectations.  Even for something they don't mean, it hurts me inside.  I remember once I cried, because of something my friend said in his email.  He was scolding me or something. 

Does this show who I really am?  Someone who just wants to be... what other people want me to be?  There was once a girl that I wanted to be, but right now, I'm not sure if she's what I want, or what they want.

Part of me wants to dream, to be able to trust him.  The other just wants to push him away, to make myself seem stronger.  

In reality, all that's left in me is broken pieces, that I'm trying so hard to fit it all together.  The thing is, everything doesn't fit together.  What am I? 

Nothing... But A Person

Shhhhh.... the film is rolling now.  Static, a few pauses.  Shhhhhh......

A few lights flicker on the screen, and then it starts - pitch black.  Oh, wait.  There's a voice.  A quiet one, quiet yet strong.  One that stands for itself.  She's... speaking.  Words, appearing and flashing on the screen.

Here's her life story, all faded and vintage looking - blurred with memories.  Faces, that pass by her.  People, walking by her.  Yet... she's all alone.  Once in a while, someone will stay for a while, talk, chat.  She'll be happy.  But soon enough, everyone leaves.  She's just standing, sitting there, all alone.  Aging.  Crying.  Choking on thin air.  Living without life. 

The ones she's loved have been lost, the people she treasured have left.  She was left there, split between two sides.  A dark, angry side that became stronger, and shed no more tears.  Yet hidden behind that face was a small girl who wanted nothing more than her past back, wanted the people she loved.  Wanted to cry her heart out. 

Eventually... her story goes on.  She's the girl who fakes a smile with her friends everyday, forces a laugh.  Forces herself to try hard, to listen to people.  At night, she goes and cries silent tears into her pillow, listens to sad rock music. 

She's nothing but a person, trying to be who she really is.

Here the tale ends, the flickering lights stop and a silence fills the room, 

a tangible dark, heavy silence. 

Lights turn on, and people shuffle out of the room, struggling to interpret what they just saw.  

--end-- 

Fear

When I look into the mirror, all I can see is fear.  My eyes, my face.  I'm afraid.

Facing Fears: Karate

I want to start a weekly or bi-weekly post written about my fears.  I won't be exactly facing them, but I want to try to release them out of my mind. 

Karate

I started martial arts during first grade.  My sisters already attended the class, so my father, my mother, and I joined.  (Later, my mother left)  I think that when I was younger, I enjoyed it.  When you're young, the Sensei's don't pick on you and I had my family and my cousins there.  I had a lot of fun, I'll admit that.  As I quickly progressed ranks, my sisters went to college, and my cousins dropped the class.  The pressure and work got harder and harder - and somewhere along the lines, I started dreading every Friday when I would have the class.  I started hating it.  

There's this one Sensei, the daughter of the head.  She's the type of young women who has hair with Asian highlights, manicured nails, but is really awesome at karate.  The thing is, she always, always, criticizes people.  Except for the select few that attend her Sunday class at Chinese School.  And the Sensei always has an intense stare that bores into you, it makes me feel like I'm always doing something wrong. 

Right now, I'm at Brown Belt level.  One starts at White Belt, obtains three yellow stripes (from tests), then tests for a Yellow Belt.  The same process happens for then Purple Belt, Blue Belt, Green Belt, Brown Belt, and Black Belt.  There's this break between Blue Belt and Green Belt - Green Belt is where you learn more advanced techniques and forms.  Every time I go, I always feel so pressured by a Green Belt (and three brown stripes).  She's a year older than me (everyone who has a green belt is older than me, except for another girl who is the same age as me).  Even though I'm a rank above her, she's always so perfect, so much better.  I don't hate the girl, but neither do I like her.  I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way towards her, but I can't change it.  And the way the group of green belts with three brown stripes advance so quickly, I feel pressured by them too.  Eventually, I started hating every Friday night - dreading when I would be compared against them.

There's a mixture of feelings hidden within me, I know it.  But right now, all that's on the surface is hate and helplessness.  

Facing Fears. 

Thoughts

The rain has been pouring all day, just coming down hard. 
At the end of the day, all I feel like doing... is falling apart.  
Guess I'll be looking at the world through a pair of glasses for a while.

I'm still waiting,
Waiting for his reply.

It'll never come.

Penny for your... thoughts. 

I'd take anything, just to rid,

of the thoughts scrambled in my mind.  

 

 

 

 

Anywhere But Here

Today was just one of those days.  One of those days I could have spent with tears streaming down my face, losing my mind. 

"Please take me anywhere but here." 

--------------------------

She swallowed down the feeling held up inside of her, and she shook her head as she turned away.  I won't go back to that, not to that pain.  Tears began prickling behind her eyes, but she was determined not to let them go.  She wished she could run, just run away from all the voices screaming inside of her.  Run until it hurt.  But the thing is, she was still sitting there in class, sitting while her student teacher droned on.  Still sitting in front of his smile.

She cursed herself as the voices and faces blurred together, forming a place she did not belong. 

Reminiscence

I remember when we would talk everyday, whether it was to only ask a question, or small conversations.

I still remember the way you said my name,

and the way you laughed when I said yours wrong.  

I miss seeing your back every other day in class,

and how you'd always turn around to talk to me.  

But it's gone now.  It's faded away, to merely a dream.  Your laugh, your smile. 

In this season of reminiscence, remind us of what was lost.

It hurts when you smile, because I know that it isn't for me anymore. 

Blurred

Whew.  Haven't posted in a while.  In the recent weeks...

My birthday came and passed, once again.  It was... quite hectic, actually.  I got a lot of gifts that were epically awesome from my friends.  Plus... I got my locker decorated.   I must say, it was a bit embarrassing when I had to get stuff out (there were random people in the halls saying Happy Birthday to me)
Both my sisters came back for their Spring Break - they came and went like a blur.  I always hate it when they leave, but it always happens.  Even in the summer, I don't get to see them as often because they work.  But we had fun, in these... two weeks.
School has been incredibly busy (kind of).  I'm sort of worn out, but luckily it's the end of the quarter.

Just yesterday, during my English class, I had the class competition for the Dramatic Arts Festival.  Each year, there is a theme.  Each student must pick or write a piece/poem that fits into one of these three categories:  serious, humorous, or original.  There is a class competition, then the winners compete against the other English class in that same period.  Those winners go to the grade level assemblies, then those winners compete against eachother.  Last year I made it to the grade level assembly.  This year, there were so many good competitors in my class, I don't know how well I did.  But even id I don't move on, I think I made an impact on the people I spoke out to.

These days, these days somehow just drag on or blur together, like paint.  Today, I went down to see the cherry/sakura blossoms which were in bloom.  It was cold, but the blossoms were beautiful.

My memories that I had hoped would be burned into my mind forever... they're starting to fade.  The worst thing is, I can't do anything, neither do I feel much.  

I would also like to shout out to Japan.  I honestly hope that whatever can be done will be done.  The nuclear plants are reacting... and there are people who still are to be found.  Please, don't let them suffer anymore.   

Dream

"When you dream, don't just dream, dream like you mean it."
- Benson Chou, TIZ (The Imaginary Zebra)

Some people can inspire so much.

One day, 

Some day,

I'll follow my dreams and show the world.

I'll show the world what I can be.

Define

There's this heavy weariness that's fallen over me, one that won't fade even after hours of sleep.  This numb pain that only comes when it's not welcome.  Tears that won't fall, no matter how much I try.  I keep on trying to make myself believe my own lies, but how long can I keep up this facade?  Sometimes I'm screaming so hard but no noise can be heard.  I'm so weak.  I'm so weak that I've always tried to push my problems onto someone else, and hope that they would be solved.  I'm so weak that I've let myself be thrown around, pushed to others' expectations.  I can't even say goodbye, nor accept the fact that he'll never reply again.  Whenever I check my email, I always feel this tug of wanting to see his.  I'm so damn weak that all I've ever wanted was to be understood, and even loved for what I was.  All I've ever done was cause pain to my ownself, just stuck in this tug of war.  I learned pain too fast, grew up too soon. 

The funny thing is, death is all around us.  I remember those small instincts I've had, when I was walking through the street.  Should I have stopped in the middle, and waited till a car run over me?  Or should I have jumped into the water, to drown myself.  But I know that running away isn't the answer.  Nor is... inflicting pain upon myself.  I'm too weak to even do that.  All I know is that I'm running, but going nowhere.

I am a tree with no branches, with nothing but my roots to define me. 

Voices

Since when did having friends cause so much discomfort?  What happened to the laughter and good times?  They judge me by the books I read, but when I read different books, they complain about those too.  They judge me by the clothes I wear, instead of my character. 

Sometimes, the voices looming all around me become too great, become to loud.  Sometimes, there's this great weariness that I cannot overcome, yet it is taking over me piece by piece.

Everyone telling me what to do, their voices becoming shouts of anger, their remarks becoming pain. 

Lack of inspiration, words that won't come out of my mind, art that won't become lively. 

Just piles of memories,

Trying to be remembered.

  

Life, Anime, Long Blog Post

I should really update more often, because when I don't, there's a bunch of things I miss and thoughts that go unwritten.  But, things go how they go.

When you think about your life, and the meaning of what it has been, what do you think of?  I asked myself this question last week, while I was sitting in the dark, trying to write a journal entry infront of my sister's room (who is in college).  With a sickening realization, I came to the conclusion that pretty much all I have done, is to try to fulfill someone else's expectations, or trying to make myself look good.  All my grades, my determination, my hard work.  There are obviously some cracks where my own personality has seeped through - for one instance, the way I dress (in black), or how I write.  But really, deep inside, is this all just me trying to be loved?  To be... someone?  Where has the true me gone?  Am I just a being who has fallen into society's trap?  I never knew how weak I was until then.  Resumes, applications, etc.  Why the hell does everything have to go to those?  Why is all my club activities just for "another thing on your resume", or such and such?  Why do my parents often control my life?

Why can't I just be... me.

My thoughts fluctuate so much, one moment I'm high up in hopes and faith, the next I'm like this.  I don't know why, but that's just the way it goes; waiting for a bump in my life.

I hate long blog posts, but this is going to have to be one.

Karate, for me, used to be... something enjoyable.  But as I moved up a rank, and another, it got less enjoyable and just pressure, pressure, pressure.  Not to mention that my sister is gone, in college.  You know how when you're young and innocent, nothing can really affect you that much?  How you have a lot of fun?  When you get older, it starts to rapidly go up and down, changing.  Now, all I do is get yelled at for being too slow, or being worse than the lower ranks.  Why was I promoted?  When can I stop?  Honestly.

Recently, I've been watching a new anime called Wandering Son, or Hourou Musuko.  It's about a boy who wants to be a girl, and a girl who just wants to be a boy.  They're friends and as they enter middle school, relationship issues arise.  The colors and the art are so... classic.  The scenery isn't breathtaking as 5 Centimeters Per Second, nor is it as deep, but it's one of those anime that make you want to watch more.

The closing theme song, For You, is just... something I feel that I can relate to.  The English mixed in with the Japanese makes the song good, too.

Even though I've already done a post on 5 Centimeters Per Second, it's really such an amazing anime that I have to visit over it again.  At the end, it really made me cry.  It was life, distance, relationships... yeah.

So good.


On a couple of varying occasions, my older middle sister and I talk about manga and anime - one thing that we have in common and enjoy talking to eachother about.  (She doesn't tend to read books, and my elder sister doesn't tend to read manga)  I decided to take on one of her recommendations and I read a shoujo manga called Orange Planet.  It wasn't a particularly deep manga - but there was many love conflictions and feelings that I felt resounded with me.  Some books and stories do that do you, I don't know why.  But I recommend it, at the very least.  (I'm not very good at explaining things, so I'll stay off of trying to tell a summary) But, 5 Centimeters Per Second was also my older sister's recommendation.

This is why I hate long blog posts; no one likes to read them and I can never finish them.  Oh well.

Lost In Reality

It's been a while.  A long while since I last posted.  And to be honest, I've pretty much have been doing nothing much these past few weeks.  Just drifting, once again.  Drifting through life and watching it pass by, always a step too late. 

Actually, yesterday, I learned that I had won a Haiku Poetry Contest for two (awesome) books and a giftcard.  Truthfully, I was really surprised.  I'm more of a free-verse person.  It made my day yesterday and today; just for my writing to be recognized by two excellent writers.  Thanks to Ellen Oh and Cindy Pon. 

Lost in reality, just running through people and tripping on pain.  Drifting through clouds, falling into life.

Here's some more lyrics.  I can never really get sick of Rise Against, their music is really... meaningful.


Rise Against - Injection
Do you spend your days counting the hours you're awake?
And when night covers the sky you find yourself doing the same
There's a burden you've been bearing in spite of all your prayers
There's a light turned off inside your heart
Can you remember what it's like to care?

Knees are weak, hands are shaking, I can't breathe

So give me the drug, keep me alive
Give me what's left of my life
Don't let me go, whooaa
Pull this plug, let me breathe
On my own, I'm finally free
Don't let me go, whooaa

The trail of crumbs you left somehow got lost along the way
If you never meant to leave then you only had to stay
But the memories that haunt us are cherished just the same
As the ones that bring us closer to the sky, no matter how grey
And yet I fall, through these clouds, reaching, screaming

Rain, Falling Down

My grandfather passed away, early this morning.  I truly only met him closely once, but once was enough to know that it was time.  He was suffering from disease, and I believe this released him. 
I'm just going to put this short in for today.  Please, Lord, please let his soul rest, after everything he has been through.  Please.  And may family accept what has happened; death is part of life that we must let go of.  

Waiting

Yesterday, I almost broke down at the sight of a simple Facebook page.  Is this, how weak I've become?  Damn.  The day before that, when I was cleaning my room and listening to some music, I almost started crying because of memories that I've lost, and memories I cannot retain.

Yesterday was his birthday.  The guy I used to like for a year.  Greg.
I'm not completely stupid.  Yet.  I noticed on Facebook, and then I commented and said happy birthday.  I almost broke down because I can remember how we were friends, good friends.  For 15 days.  Then things got worse and worse.  Now, it's been like a year and a half.  Now, I'm still waiting to let go.

Waiting, to let go of my stupid hopes and dreams.

Endlessly - Green River Ordinance

She is the days I can't get over
She is the nights that I call home endlessly
For you I'll always wait

Caught in the waves of hesitation
Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly
For you I'll always wait
For you I'll always wait

Change some words, and you've got my thoughts.

Lies

Today's one of those days when I look up at the moon and wish for the fantasies that lay in my mind.  Fantasies, memories, that made me happy.  It's days like these when I wish all the seams were mended, and we could ignore the fraying thread on the edges. 

I'm not ready to fall, I'm not ready to let go of everything.  

Neither am I ready to stop lying to myself, over and over.

Lying, that everything's going to be okay.  Lying, that he's going to reply.  Lying, that I can be content.  

Memories

I wish that I could have a book that held all my memories, so when I became sad, I could go back and look upon those happy memories; and perhaps smile and then feel more pain at losing those people. 

Today, I had a lot of fun... playing chess.  I learned how to play it better, and it was kind of refreshing after not playing it in... many years.  Ben helped out a lot and even pretty much killed his own queen.  (told me to)  I had a lot of smiles tonight, and I thank the Lord for it. 

I'll have to wake up early tomorrow to study... for my Chinese School Exam.  Lovely.

Goodnight, world.  Goodnight. 

Days, Passing By

The days pass by, and I'm stuck here, in the midst of it all.  Blurred, drained of emotions, just empty with a facade.  Pain, loss, love, tears.  Nothing.  Just waiting, for his reply.  Waiting, for something else to happen.  Waiting for myself to let go. 

A week ago, I... spilled everything out.  It was the first time, and it felt like I was somewhat released.  I told a friend about everything with Max, and it makes me feel better because he's the sort of person who listens (and makes you spill) but doesn't pry that much. 

Sometimes, I just want to sit outside and lay down, looking up at the brilliant, vast sky; watching the day pass by, and time slip out of my hands.

Exams have started, and I honestly don't feel motivation to do much.  I don't know. 

I was re-reading Gakuen Alice, and it was really sad.  So much connections lost, people past, sacrifices made.  (Nobara and Persona, Yuka and Shiki/Sensei, Mikan and Natsume) It was sad.  Can't wait for the nest chapter.

Sometimes, I wish my life wasn't as tangled as it is now.  Sometimes I wish that I could start hoping again.  And truly loving. 

As the days pass by, I sit here watching my life shorten, and shorten. 

Dolls

"Lost a day. Lost a love...

Full of longing, as if following my memories
Alone, I stand on the beach
So lonely my tears overflow
The only noise that of the waves
A single teardrop dissolved into the ocean
It's so painful thinking of you
The dusk and the soft waves
Bring you to me, how you were that day..."
-DOLLS, Janne Da Arc

Life and Death

What a great way to start off the new year with some depressing thoughts.

I visited my mom's father, my grandfather, at the nursing home today.  He has Parkinson's Disease, I believe.  He's in one of the final stages, he already lost his ability to walk, to eat, to move his hands, and now he's starting to lose his ability to breathe.  It was emotional.  It made me wonder why people must go through pain, and how people can still call that living.  If I ever became like that, I would tell them to kill me.  The worst part is, he hasn't lost his intellectual mind, but he cannot speak well.  What I felt... can't be described in words very well.  My father's father passed away three years ago, because of cancer that 'took a turn for the worse'.  I knew him better, and it hurt.  When you realize that someone is going to die, or they're rotting away, it hurts when you know that they have to experience this pain while you're still happily living life.  My uncle said it was like he had went through a cycle of life; at first, as a baby, you can't talk or anything and you sleep all day.  Then you begin to develop.  It's like my grandfather has went back to the first stage, yet he has no womb. 

I passed by the church in the nursing home.  To me, it looked like Jesus was the God of Death, his hand outstretched, welcoming people to hell. 

We see the world through a clouded glass, full of stains and shifts.

We live not to die, yet die, for life. 

2011

Happy New Year people.  Let's hope it won't be miserable. 

As usual, the new year resolutions and last year regrets.

I don't want to fall in love with someone so deeply that it hurts.  It happened, it won't until it's real.  I hope.

I actually want... to be a better person.  That sounds really lame, but I do.

Less procrastinating, less facades, less stressing about stupid things like my weight and grades.  (maybe not the grades part)

Praying for good changes.  Good ones.  But I bet I'll lose some people along the way and lose myself.

Hope things turn out for the better for you all.