Fear

When I look into the mirror, all I can see is fear.  My eyes, my face.  I'm afraid.

Facing Fears: Karate

I want to start a weekly or bi-weekly post written about my fears.  I won't be exactly facing them, but I want to try to release them out of my mind. 

Karate

I started martial arts during first grade.  My sisters already attended the class, so my father, my mother, and I joined.  (Later, my mother left)  I think that when I was younger, I enjoyed it.  When you're young, the Sensei's don't pick on you and I had my family and my cousins there.  I had a lot of fun, I'll admit that.  As I quickly progressed ranks, my sisters went to college, and my cousins dropped the class.  The pressure and work got harder and harder - and somewhere along the lines, I started dreading every Friday when I would have the class.  I started hating it.  

There's this one Sensei, the daughter of the head.  She's the type of young women who has hair with Asian highlights, manicured nails, but is really awesome at karate.  The thing is, she always, always, criticizes people.  Except for the select few that attend her Sunday class at Chinese School.  And the Sensei always has an intense stare that bores into you, it makes me feel like I'm always doing something wrong. 

Right now, I'm at Brown Belt level.  One starts at White Belt, obtains three yellow stripes (from tests), then tests for a Yellow Belt.  The same process happens for then Purple Belt, Blue Belt, Green Belt, Brown Belt, and Black Belt.  There's this break between Blue Belt and Green Belt - Green Belt is where you learn more advanced techniques and forms.  Every time I go, I always feel so pressured by a Green Belt (and three brown stripes).  She's a year older than me (everyone who has a green belt is older than me, except for another girl who is the same age as me).  Even though I'm a rank above her, she's always so perfect, so much better.  I don't hate the girl, but neither do I like her.  I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way towards her, but I can't change it.  And the way the group of green belts with three brown stripes advance so quickly, I feel pressured by them too.  Eventually, I started hating every Friday night - dreading when I would be compared against them.

There's a mixture of feelings hidden within me, I know it.  But right now, all that's on the surface is hate and helplessness.  

Facing Fears. 

Thoughts

The rain has been pouring all day, just coming down hard. 
At the end of the day, all I feel like doing... is falling apart.  
Guess I'll be looking at the world through a pair of glasses for a while.

I'm still waiting,
Waiting for his reply.

It'll never come.

Penny for your... thoughts. 

I'd take anything, just to rid,

of the thoughts scrambled in my mind.  

 

 

 

 

Anywhere But Here

Today was just one of those days.  One of those days I could have spent with tears streaming down my face, losing my mind. 

"Please take me anywhere but here." 

--------------------------

She swallowed down the feeling held up inside of her, and she shook her head as she turned away.  I won't go back to that, not to that pain.  Tears began prickling behind her eyes, but she was determined not to let them go.  She wished she could run, just run away from all the voices screaming inside of her.  Run until it hurt.  But the thing is, she was still sitting there in class, sitting while her student teacher droned on.  Still sitting in front of his smile.

She cursed herself as the voices and faces blurred together, forming a place she did not belong. 

Reminiscence

I remember when we would talk everyday, whether it was to only ask a question, or small conversations.

I still remember the way you said my name,

and the way you laughed when I said yours wrong.  

I miss seeing your back every other day in class,

and how you'd always turn around to talk to me.  

But it's gone now.  It's faded away, to merely a dream.  Your laugh, your smile. 

In this season of reminiscence, remind us of what was lost.

It hurts when you smile, because I know that it isn't for me anymore.