Dreams

Is it crazy to feel loss for forgetting about a character?  Is it crazy to start to 'love' that character, especially when you've made her yourself?

Ryn... was everything, no, is everything that I want to be.  She has a bad past, but she's strong and independent.  She has power, and she's... brilliant.  Of course, it's only my opinion.

I had a dream about her last night.  I could see her clearly, with her black jacket and gloves, with her lace-up boots and weary eyes.  On her back was her katana, and she... just resonated. 

I think right now I'm so desperate for something that I can't even think of clearly that it's driving me crazy.

Role-play profiles will come soon, of characters that I created and loved.

Waiting, Watching

Quick post from Colorado, with my family at our annual ski/snowboard trip.  I'm sore, tired, and ready to switch back to my skis, but I must say that I have gained respect for snowboarding.  (Snowboarding on ice is miserable)  Colorado is beautiful, it's really pretty up here. 

Funny thing is, I've been thinking more and more of what the hell I'm going to do in my life, of how I wouldn't have survived had I not met the people I met, of where Max is and hoping he's moved on and gained hope.

I doubt most of those things will happen/show their answers anytime soon.  

You know how people say to never let go of your dreams and chase them?  In this lifetime, I doubt I will listen to them.  Society doesn't work that way.  People survive, people fall.  Teachers get less money than engineers.  Psychologists don't get many job offers unless to teach.  Electrical engineers are highly wanted now that we are more into electronics.  My dreams will most likely not come true, and even if I strive and strive, I will not survive.  Perhaps I'm being weak-hearted, being stupid and not putting enough effort in.  Perhaps.  But, the thing that I do know, is that the outside world, and society, is not forgiving and easy.

Here's a song that I've been hearing in my head recently, I hope that it'll bring hope to someone like it did to me.

By Your Side Lyrics

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

 

-Tenth North Avenue

Waiting, watching for hope and kindness to let go of love.

Before I Forget

Many people say they would like to change themselves, yet they protest that they cannot.  Hell.  If you want to go and change yourself, just go.  With a little bit of help and luck and boost of effort, miracles happen.  If you start looking at the beauty in everyday life, then things begin to change through your eyes.

Even this entry is a bit early, I thought I should get it over and done as I was thinking about it today. 

It's the end of 2010, and 2011 is coming in a few days.  Last year, I said that they new year always seems to take away something from me, and it never fails.  I have a feeling what's set out to happen.

Now that this year is coming to a close, I have a few things that I want to shout out to the world.

Things have gotten better this year, I partially let go of Greg, and even though I still have doubts about forgetting those memories, I'll just have to move on.  It's hopeless to think that I'll see most of them again, but it's never bad to still try.

I can't exactly remember when, but Marco left, and I honestly want to thank him.  He's made a necessary sacrifice, and I hope he's healed and gotten better at his love life.

It was around March to May when I met Thomas,  the "Frenchman".  I remember his light brown puffy hair and how he actually didn't think I was that bad at tennis.  Once again, another person I will not see again in my lifetime.  Farewell, for now.

I stopped seeing the darkness for a bit, and I think I let go of my life slightly.  I went to Japan and found magic that will not leave my heart.

I found feelings for someone else, but as always, it doesn't work.  The only thing I can do is to hope that one day it works out.

Thanks to the one with green orbs which illuminate and reflect the world. 

Actually, yesterday, I met Luke.  I had an enjoyable time, and I did laugh a lot.  He made me feel accepted, unlike all those other times where I'm standing quietly in the 'outer circle' (as he calls it).  Is it strange to start to like someone who's kind and makes you feel that way?  ("YES" says my other self.  That's one of the reasons why I'm stupid in emotions)

The person I truly have to thank the most is Max.  I can tell you right now that he is the person that I will lose, yet it's his choice, and his journey.  He's the one who answered all my questions, and told me the truth.  He's one of those people whom I will never forget yet will never, absolutely never, see or hear from again.

And I have to thank everyone I've met.  It's been an enjoyable year, in different ways.  Even though I'm not exactly in the Christmas Spirit, Merry Christmas.

Today

Today.... was good.  Kind of meshed together, but good.  It was the last day of school before the one week and a day break.  Sometimes I really hate the schooling system.  Anyways... only two out of my four classes today were productive.

In World Studies, my teacher had to finish doing the Geography Bee Contestants of our class, and it took really long because we have awesome people in the class.  So, the last thing we did was read a Dr. Seuss book because it relates with cultural diffusion.  Pretty good class.

In Band... we sight read music and talked/got tickets for the party during lunch.  Nothing really else to say.

Math... we actually did stuff.  I missed the stupidest things on my unit test.  >_>.  I was .5 off of getting the highest score in the class.  I got annoyed at myself, and then my friend started lecturing me. 

Lunch = Band party.

Spanish we did work, and I screwed up majorly on the quiz.  Really badly.  Then we were split into groups, and did some stuff on maps, and then I left 15 minutes early for an orthodontist appointment.  I was feeling down because the guy I have feelings for in my class didn't really say much to me, and he ignores me all the time now.  But hey, too late right now.

After I got back from the orthodontist appointment, went out for happy hour with my family and... two uncles.  It was enjoyable when we picked up one of my uncles and my cousin and his friend talked to us about how we should order more food so his dad comes home late.  Ha.  The whole dinner was good.

 My mom decided to go back to that uncle's house to hang out for a while, and so I had a lot of fun with my cousin and his friend (Luke).  We had a whole "Inner Circle", "Outer Circle" thing and we talked and laughed a lot.  It made me feel warm inside, though I doubt I'll see him again. 

That's pretty much it, for today. 

Caught up

Tangled is one of the sweetest movies I have ever seen.  It's so... creative and funny.  I watched it today with my sisters and mom.  Rare for us to go out on a weekday, but... I only have one day left of school before break and they're already off.  I loved Rapunzel and Eugene/Flynn.  Kind of makes me want to fall in love like that, but I know that in this world it's rare to happen.

Laughter

His eyes were green orbs that illuminated and reflected the world.

Our bus was late today, and with all the snow we were stuck on there for a long time, and it was a busy day.  We the mood light with a crossword, some songs, and discussions with all the people in the back:  Highschoolers, middleschoolers, we were laughing at almost every comment.  Even though my hands were cold as I clutched my cell phone, my heart stayed warm and I felt many smiles touch my face.  He talked to me again, and I could feel the intensity of his eyes as they almost saw through me, yet I was at peace.  We had a hapy, lucky to go guy sitting behind me, and we were all tried to solve his crossword.  The snow looked so... pretty, so beautiful as it came down.  

I don't have any regrets about today, just thanks in my heart. 

Simple Mindedness

I'm actually quite a simple-minded person, and I honestly just realized that today.  I'm rash, do things on impluse, etc.  That's... a given.  I'm not exactly one who can control my emotions very well.  But I do get happy really easily, which... is a bad thing.  And good, at the same time.

Today, I got on the bus, and as always, on Mondays (and Fridays as well) it's really busy.  So I asked one of my acquantinces/friends if I could sit next to him, I actually haven't spoke with him for a while because we just don't run into eachother, and we go to different schools (the bus contains students from 3 different schools).  He actually went to my elementary school, though he's a year older.  It was actually an enjoyable bus ride, we talked and laughed a bit (this is starting to sound like... a tea party), and he's an interesting guy.  It's rare that after a conversation, I find myself returning back to it again and again.  His eyes are like... green globes, though not clear, they are striking.  It was a good day, today.  

Yesterday was actually pretty good also.  Went to Chinese school, same as usual.  But after I talked on the phone with my sister in college, I started reading Hunter X Hunter (it's actually pretty good), and I watched 5 Centimeters Per Second.  

 

It was one of the most beautiful anime I have ever watched.  It had amazing scenery, and the thing that got to me most of all was the meaning of it.  It was basically, flat out: Life.  Life doesn't have perfect endings, and you begin to lose yourself as you get older, and loving someone hurts, and it worsens when you don't feel anything at all. It was sad, conflicted... yet peaceful.  

In the morning, I read the manga Seven Days.  There was a happy ending... yet I felt it was sad, for a strange reason. Well... who knows. 


Enough of my strangeness >_>.

Hurt

I'm so afraid of hurting someone, and so afraid to speak out.  A friendship works with both sides, and honestly I don't know if it's going to work out.  I have bonds, bonds that have to be broken in order for me to carry on.

I wish it wasn't so complicated, I wish that I didn't have to hurt one side, and I wish that this had never began like it did.

Dead

I can't write.  Nothing.  The inspiration's dead, these lines seem lifeless.

Weary

Her flying out of the nest just brought those two closer, and me standing all alone while they carry on.  I can see it quite clearly, the joy in my mother's face as she embraces those two, and when they talk and laugh together.  Please.

If I left some places, I know that it would not make a difference in people's lives like some people did for me.  It would not.  It's already been too long, I'm just delaying the inevitable, not wanting to deliver the final blow.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here? 

Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Taste.

The taste reminds me of a home away from home, it reminds me of joy and happiness, and I can hear the sound of laughter, just faintly.  I know that right now, that's not what's here. 

Screw.

Hard work doesn't get you everywhere. 

Even when you say it's alright, when the tears start falling, you know it's useless to lie to yourself.


Why must I live up to your expectations?

Why the hell do the tears fall?

Why am I so weak?

Why am I so affected by what others say?

Today... no, tonight was bad.  Went to karate as usual, and me and a bunch of other people retook our tests to move up a rank.  The Sensei said... basically that I was bad, and I need a lot more work and practice.  Same for my tambo kata.  The only thing he said was decent was my sparring, and that's my bloody weakest spot.  Honestly.

 And then my dad goes like 'You need to practice for your SATs.  You've been slacking off.' Really?  That's a real good encouragement.  Screw.  There's something called schoolwork and my feelings, that you don't even understand.

Screw it.   

Feelings and Loss

Is it better to feel too much, or feel nothing at all?  Is it better to feel pain, or nothing? Is it better to feel attached or apart? 

Recently, a couple of things has brought me to ask these questions. 

A couple weeks ago, my friend sent a reply to my email (we email back and forth every few weeks).  I had asked him whether it was better to experience pain or nothing at all, and he answered that once you feel enough pain, the rest doesn't phase you.  He said that he wasn't phased by much, and whether it was a good or bad thing, it all depended on the person.  It makes me wonder how he got so hard, so blocked, because he truly is a strong, if not cold, person inside.  All he wants is to be successful, but honestly, why can't he just go and love someone?  Why, Lord, does he have to go through all this pain?  Why, did all these bad things have to happen to him, and cause him to be like this.  Why.  Of all the people, he is one that does not deserve it.  From what I know. 

The second, was today.  During gym class we were in the weight room just talking (not exercising like we were really supposed to >_>), and the subject of ruining people's lives came up.  Not seriously ruining... but yeah.  My best friend took me and my guy friend aside and told me the story of how the guy friend asked my other friend out on the last day of school.  Then, over the summer, he basically didn't like her anymore... and basically she was depressed and hated him.   And he didn't even apologize, etc.  It was like he didn't feel guilty, and he didn't feel hurt, while she got hurt a lot.  And my best friend got pissed at him for hurting our friend.  

It was like he didn't feel anything at all, while I on the other hand feel things too much.  I grew up too fast, and I honestly think I lost the essence of who I really was supposed to be.  I felt pain too early, and I guess I just bottled it all up inside.  I guess that the loss of love, and loneliness from friendship really burned me.  Some days, I just feel that I put up a front, or facade, and that my emotions swirling on the inside are ready to burst.  Like how I always push myself deeper into the darkness, and blame myself.  Is this better?  Worse?  Ha.  Who knows.

 The most recent was earlier tonight.  I went to a pizza party for my soccer team- end of season celebrating.  Then my coach announced that he wasn't going to coach anymore because his daughter was going to do dance instead of soccer.  Which basically means the team is breaking up, the people who want to continue playing soccer have to go find a new team.  Which is what I'm really nervous about.  I've been on the same team since... first grade, and even though I'm quiet and go to a different school, I still kind of have a sense of place.  I do miss a lot of practices because they're early, but the coach understands.  So what if the new coach doesn't?  What if I don't fit in, and what if the new coach doesn't know my skills as well?  Was it better for me to feel attached to this team, or apart?  When my coach hugged me, (he's a really tall, broad shoulders, skinny guy), I almost cried.  And that doesn't happen often.  

Life's been life.  A busy, bad, week.  Too many assignments and tests crammed in, too many phrases and quick moments. 

Counting the Days

Counting the Days - Good Charlotte
Wake up, go to work, come home, it's not working
We've been living our whole lives
on a system that is broken
Your words, I hear them
They're sharp, can't get near them
We got one last chance,
one more time to make this happen

(chorus)
We got one time, time to get this right
two timing, you know it's not my style
three's company, just you and me,
we need to figure this one out
four letter words are all you said
five minutes later we're in bed
Can't count on you to love me,
but I can count the days since you've been gone

Break up, I come home, I realized thats its not working
you're gone, it echoes
I miss the noise of all our fighting
and you know that I don't mean a word I say
and I know that you don't wanna stay away
how long am I gonna be counting the days you're gone

We got one time, time to get this right
two timing, you know it's not my style
three's company, just you and me,
we need to figure this one out
four letter words are all you said
five minutes later we're in bed
Can't count on you to love me,
but I can count the days since you've been gone

Ever since I saw you,
there was no-one else, just you and me
(you're all that I could see)
but I got this problem
I don't know how to say what I mean, what I mean

We got one time, time to get this right
two timing, you know it's not my style
three's company, just you and me,
we need to figure this one out

We got one time, time to get this right
two timing you know it's not my style
three's company, just you and me,
we need to figure this one out
four letter words are all you said
five minutes later we're in bed
Can't count on you to love me,
but I can count the days since you've been gone
can count the days since you've been gone

Wake up, go to work, come home, it's not working
We've been living our whole lives
on a system that is broken


Wishing that I wasn't so affected by what you say and what you do,
Wishing that I never fell in love with you.

"You never stop loving someone.  You just learn to live without them."

Bringing a New Dawn

The sky brings a new dawn each day,
It's dark shades everchanging with the light.
Shadows flickering fortell of dread,
Yet the light continues to rise.

It's dark shadows everchanging with the light,
A bird soars into the empty sky.
Yet the light continues to rise,
Breaking off the shadows.

A bird soars in the empty sky,
Dew drips from a bare branch,
Breaking off the shadows,
Stealing away life.

Dew drips from a bare branch,
Shadows flickering fortell of dread.
Stealing away life,
The sky brings a new dawn each day.

Remember that we humans cannot coexist peacefully, remember that these lies are true.  

Never forsake your beliefs, before you falter in step.  

Brokenly Insane

Even as the tears fall, nothing remains in my heart besides regret and pain.  The regret of locking my own self into this trap set out my none other but me.  The pain of mistakingly loving someone who brings nothing but pain any longer, the irony is that it all turns back to myself. 

I can't write anymore, at least not decently and instantly.  I've had a writer's poetry block for at least 3 months now, nothing that I write sounds good like it did.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm going insane, and other times, I just want to leave it all behind, and scream. 

If you told me to wait,

I would have been waiting for an eternity, 

But at least still holding onto those last words with sanity,

Unlike where I am now, become brokenly insane.

Habits and Joys

I just realized that I have a bad habit of listening to sad songs... which get stuck in my head.  Or crazy ones.  Aha.
Here's the recent one.


Since October - In this Moment
Well you deserve only the best in me
without you I've lost it all
I know I've taken for granted all these years
the things that seem so small
and I'd give anything for one more, just one more try
to notice the things I'm holding on to
right now in my mind

cause I'm missing you tonight
till I finally close my eyes
I am caught up in this moment
so caught up
cause you're right here by my side

you always did bring out the best in me
that part of me has died
I know i couldn't even live my life
without you but I tried
and to think that I'm all you wanted
well you got all of me this time
and I'm ready to give this one more chance
as long as you're willing to try


so where do we go from here (when will I know)
like tearing flesh still the scars remain
the difference is so clear
and I'm breaking my fall, when I'm risking it all
and my options are few, when all I have is you and that's all
yeah I'm chasing the call but my patience is gone
now all these memories are coming back to me

Today I was at the Creative Writing Club at my school, and we went to the computer lab across the hall to type and update our 'novels' for this contest we're participating in.  The guy next to me who's a grade older than me, I notice is occasionally glancing at my screen as I'm typing and erasing (I have terrible idea blocks on how to start things).  Then out of nowhere he tells me that my story sounds interesting and how it sounds really good, and apologizes that he's been reading it.  It was a big surprise, because I had been erasing half of what I had written, and usually no one tells me that, at least rarely.  It made my afternoon and day, how's that.  He had gotten a lot further than me... but oh well.  And he rarely comes to club, too.  And I'm not exactly the most sociable, attractive girl, seeing that I wear a lot of black.  That's all for today, then.

Broken and Lost

You won't be there to catch my tears, you never were.  Friendship wasn't even there, yet somehow I still held onto that hope that you would come back, that you would come and tell me that it was alright.  I guess it shows how naive I am, how much I can't let go, and how the thought of you still brings tears to my eyes.  I'm sitting infront of the computer, listening to bittersweet music as I look at the only small connection I still have to you.  Both of you.  But I have never been able to hold onto anyone important, never.

Every Avenue - The Story Left Untold
Everything you own
In a suitcase by the door
The words that keep you home
Are failing

Everything we take
Out in anger
Eventually we'll break
Down to answers
That are ringing in my head

Slow down
Take a deep breath
We can't give up tonight

Is it right to sit and watch this die?
We're slowly letting go
Like its better left alone
So erase the damages we've made
The story left untold is better than you know
Oh, is better than you know

Of all the nights we spent wrapped in blankets
The mattress on the floor we now hold sacred
You were my best friend

Slow down
Take a deep breath
We can't give up tonight

Is it right to sit and watch this die?
We're slowly letting go
Like its better left alone
So erase the damages we've made
The story left untold is better than you know

So much more to say
Suspended in the air
Between the truth and rights in place
Spilling over everything
Before you slip away
Before you slip away from me
Slow down

Is it right to sit and watch this die?
We're slowly letting go
Its better left alone
So erase the damages we've made
The story left untold is better than you know

Is it right to sit and watch this die?
We're slowly letting go
Like its better left alone
So erase the damages we've made
The story left untold is better than you know

 Here's to the ones I loved and lost, to the people who have decided to leave for the better, who are stronger than I will ever be... sacrifices are necessary to survive.  

Marco 

A Story Untold

The first thing I could remember was screams.  Screams of agony, that shook my mind and left a tingling feeling on my body.  Screams that you couldn't get rid of. 

The first thing that I could see was darkness.  Darkness and light, mixed together.  Everything was blurred, shifted in monotone. 

The first tears I cried were when I was first cut open.  That scar resides on the center of my chest, and it still brings up enough fear of the pain, when I touch it. 

The first happiness I was granted was when Thomas befriended me.  He had given me... a flower.  A white, tissue paper flower, but a flower none less.

The two gifts that I will always treasure the most are my katana, carved with intricate designs that are worn down with scratches, and my name.  These two things were both given to me by Thom.  

The last tears I will ever shed was three years ago, when Thom died after a year we escaped.  He died against the dirty snow, coughing up blood that stained the snow beside him.

I once told an acquaintance, or "friend" rival of a different gang that I did not consider myself to be human.  This is true.  Humans are born out of love, and are given emotion to feed upon.  I was never.  And truly, after a while, the emotions start leaving your heart, your mind.  I am merely a cold mind, residing in a shell of a body. 

----Ryn----

-KC

-Based off a RPG on CR, with my character Ryn 

Special thanks to Exo and Odin/VenM4ge

Honestly?

So sick of faking all these smiles.  So sick of pretending I'm okay.  So sick of all this fighting, sick of being who you want me to be. 

How long can we lie to ourselves that everything's perfect?

How can you say you love her when you're giving up on her?  

Why did my cousin have to get cancer?  It's not life, death situation, but why?  He doesn't deserve it.   Please, Lord.  Please.

Before I.

Show me the light before I fade into darkness. 
Lead me the way before I falter in step.
Remember that I love you before it's too late.
Tell me with the truth before I am locked in a lie. 

Half Empty

Do tears show weakness? 

Mask

Your mask is cracking, they're breaking, falling to the ground.  

Take off that mask, and who are you left with? 

Friendship.

Do you enter a friendship knowing that you have a chance of getting hurt?  Do you open up to someone, knowing tha they could stab you where it hurt the most?  Even unintentionally? 

You don't.

I wasn't asking for love, I wasn't asking for great kindness and sugar coated words.  I was... looking for answers.  Perhaps even friendship.  I honestly thought that whatever he said wouldn't hurt me, and even if it did, it would not break me down.  Evidently that isn't true. 

I knew from the beginning, maybe even the start, that I was very little to him.  An acquaintance, maybe even lucky enough to be called a friend.  I know that he would leave without looking back.  That's who he is.  But... just what the hell am I to him?  I honestly don't know why I am so hurt.  It was a mere comment.  I do not love him in a romantic kind of way, I would never.  

He's... made me cry two times in the two years I've known him.  The first time, I was happy.  Now, I'm hurt.  

Why are we humans so weak, once our initial barrier is down, we are left defenseless? 

Bang.

One fatal move, and it's over. 

School

Do you know when you really love a teacher or class of people, you're really let down when you don't have them the following year?  Sra. Guevara was a really... happy teacher, it looked like she really enjoyed teaching.  And now that I'm looking back at my notes from last year, well, yeah...  I got really annoyed when everyone had Ms. Guevara this year for spanish, but I don't.  Seriously... even people from last year who had her (only one class for the level I took taught by her) have her again this year >_>... except for one person.  I mean, my new spanish teacher isn't bad, but the class... just isn't the same.  Ms. Guevara was really nice, and I loved the people in my class last year.  This year? 

I've only been through two days of school, and I am already exhausted.  And I only got through 8 periods... (block schedule).  AAGH. I hate my schedule, I dislike some of my classes.  Don't have many classes with friends, but oh well.

---Odd day---
P1:  Science
It's okay, so far.  The science teacher is good, (old students said he was awesome), and yeah.  Same period science as last year.  
P3:  Gym
Health last quarter again.  =.=
P5:  English
Got the better english teacher (yes!), she seems nice.  
P7:  Comp Sci
Teacher... is strict, but ironically funny, yet really serious...
---Even day---
P2:  World Studies
Teacher seems really cool.  
P4:  Band
Same as usual.
P6:  Math
Teacher seems awesome. 
P8:  Spanish
Let down after last year, teacher seems okay, but hate some people in the class. 

Last year's schedule seemed awesomer.  Maybe I'm just feeling a bit naggy right now...

Empty

She's gone.  Just... gone. 

For some reason... 

I feel like everything's falling apart in my life.

Far Away

To be honest, I haven't even really been checking up on things here.  Too much... I guess, has happened. 

Why are we built as insecure?  It's something to think about.  Everyone has those deep fears inside of them, at some point in their lives.  That they're not loved, that they don't belong, that they're falling apart. 

My sister is leaving in a few days.  For college.  Saturday/Sunday, to be more exact.  Now that I realize this, it's kind of... haunting and hollow.  My eldest sister doesn't leave till September, but it's not like she's home all the time.  I wasn't really close with my middle sister, when we were younger we would always get into fights, though we both loved our elder sister.  Now that we're older, we are closer, but I can tell that she always prefers the eldest.  Yesterday, at the dinner table, she asked if she could have 2 nights with her friends.  Then, my mom... got all lecture-y, and said she had to pack, clean up, etc.  She said no, basically.  Throughout the years that I remember, one of the faces I had seen from my middle sister was when she was trying to hold in her tears.  At points in our lives, we all hate our parents. 

We both were similar, our parents both kept on pressuring us (all of us), not too hard, but still, to be successful, to study, to become engineers or computer scientists.  Not teachers, artists, writers, etc.  I've talked to my middle sister about this before.  Why can't we just persue our dreams?  There's one face, I'm certain, that she shows... when she's about to cry, or is desperately trying not to.  I was never one to comfort, and it's awkward as the younger sister... and I believe she really needed my eldest sister, even though she wasn't there. We spent two years together, when our elder sister went to college.  I can't say we're really close, but... close enough, for me to be going to miss her like hell.  Being alone in the house is... lonely, to say.   
 Our family went to Thailand (3 days) and Japan (9 days) a week or two ago.  Japan was for my middle sister's graduation present.  Japan... was utterly and absolutely amazing.  Yes, the heat was... annoying.  Yes, we walked a lot.  But still.  I wake up, sometimes, wishing desperately to be there again.  The people, the city, the shrines, the amazement.  I want to go back.  It feels like... the magic that we held, was gone, once we left Japan.  I don't know.  My middle sister loved it, I could tell.

When we visited the shrines and temples... I could feel something... different, so to speak.  It's strange, but it was enough for me to doubt Christianity.  I try to believe... but... I don't know.  What right, does the Lord have, to send these people to Hell, just for not believing, and their sins?  They have their own religion, their own beliefs.  In fact, with Shinto, they believe that evil things are not caused by humans, but by evil spirits.  (I did a small research paper on that two years ago)  I honestly... can't know.  I guess I'm just doubting the very threads of Christianity.  Is the Lord kind, gentle?  Or is he stern?  Did he not raise us to be questioning? 

I feel like... I'm far away, unable to make out the fine lines of who I really am.

Happiness

Today, I was walking to the building my class was in, during the afternoon.  The sky was brilliant, with clouds of gray, white, and the sky was blue.  It was just brilliant.  I felt content, then.  I felt... satisfied.  It was only less than a minute when I walked to the building... but I thought about true happiness.  To be honest, I can only say about 2 or 3 times when I was truly happy in these past two years.  Last summer, and the december of 2008.  I felt... accepted, with friends.  I could push all my worries away. 

The sky... was brilliant.

The Sky

The one sight of nature that never fails to amaze me... is the sky.  Whenever I look up at it, I truly can feel it's brilliance.  Just the clouds, the morning sun rays, peeking through.  It's all beautiful.

Sometimes... I feel so confused.  Recently, I've been thinking about church, my future, etc.  Church.  Every week, I feel like I'm afraid to go.  Even though I used to be able to look forward to it... now I'm just afraid of being rejected.  There are so many flaws I have, compared to everyone else.    My future.  I was talking to my middle sister last night, about our parents.  She said something similar to that they want us to take the easiest road out, so when we're done with college, we can do whatever we want.  My parents want me to go to Electrical Engineering.  My dad said that it is the center of everything.  But... I honeslty can't say I want to do that.  And I have at least, if not more 8 years befor I'm out of college.  I can't put up with it... if I don't love it.  I said I wanted to do something like teaching, about creative writing or something.  To express yourself.  Or teaching about life, etc.  I don't know.  I'm just.... confused.  Lost.  Sick of this.  And I was also talking about high schools to go to.  For some reason, my mom's really against one of them, that I believe is a good school. 

...

For some reason I feel like I haven't posted in a while... but it's only been 2 days.  Lot of things happened, yet at the same time, not much actually did.  On Monday, got the day off from my class/camp/course thing, Federal Holiday because of the 4th of July on Sunday.  We and my two sisters, and mom went on a shopping trip to the outlet stores.  Fun, fun, fun.  Girl's day out? 

My fingers are freezing as I'm typing this.  Funny thing is, is that during the day, it's burning outside.  Like really, really hot.  But, inside, it's kind of cold.  Too much AC.

Too many emotions have been flickering through my head, and it's just... I don't know.  Wishing I could just look at the present, instead of desperatly searching for remenants of my past. 

Tears

From a love never meant to be...

but for who?

Lost

Memories.  Pain.  People.  Smiles.  Laughs.  Hate. 

Tears. 

The last week, I've been at the same campus as last year.  Memories keep on overflowing, the people that I love... are gone.  Lost because of lack of communication. 

I still love him, and it still hurts.

Does time truly wear away pain?  I had a discussion with my friend, earlier.  I argued against him, saying that it just... made the memories fade away.  

I'm trying to write it all down.  Last summer.  But there are gaps, spaces.  Memories long forgotten.  

Every time I enter that place, I can see those faces.  

It hurts. 

I don't know anymore.   Sometimes, I feel like I'm... truly lost, now.  

How ironic.

Alone

What's the difference between being alone and being lonely?  

Going to church for the first time in a while.  To be honest, I'm scared.  I'm scared of being rejected.  Of being... embarrassed.  Funny thing is, it's church.  Church. 
 
It's also one of the places I've never truly belonged.  But I do want to go.  I need... to lift myself up again, look towards the light instead the darkness. 

If that's what's meant to be.

Do you believe in destiny, fate?  Luck, miracles?  

I do.  Because if you're someone who doesn't always believe in one's self, then there's at least something to hold onto.  

Was it fate, destiny?  Our meeting.  

I truly believe it so.  

But it's not the destiny, or God's will.  It's just ourselves.

It's really ironic.  Looking at the title I named this blog.  "Fading from Eternity".  Is that eternity "Heaven"?  Myself just to lead into Hell?  Or is it an eternity of being locked up inside?  An eternity of darkness? 

Kinda strange, thinking about it. 

Some people, you remember, because of those little things that they do. 

I need to be stronger.  I need more... confidence. 

I don't know anymore. 

When you're lonely, you never realize who's standing beside you, until you're alone. 

And to be alone doesn't mean that you have to be lonely. 

Yo.

Haven't posted in a while.  A lot has happened since my last post, various things, I should say. 
First off... went to a concert this past Sunday!  Was awesome, got to see Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, Boys like Girls.  Was seriously, awesome.  Thanks, to my sister. 

Started soccer camp for a week.  The heat is dreadful, my face is definitely sunburned.  Sigh...  Some of my old classmates from my first elementary school, I believe, are there.  Doesn't help that I dislike them, doesn't help. 

I know I can't remember every person who I have cherished, I have liked because they were nice, etc.  Because it's just all going to fade, soon enough...  But it does really help when someone unexpected notices something about you.  It does kind of make your day.  Lol, a counselor at camp actually talks to me, and it's weird because he just talks about the books that I read, and... I don't know.  He's a nice person, though way taller than me and carrot topped hair.  Kind of made my afternoon, strangely enough.

Finished ANTM's season 13 today (didn't start today, no way).  Love Nicole Fox, she's just amazing.  XD 

Addicted to listening to Remembrance from Smiling Pasta sung by Ah Zhe (Gino).  Haven't finished the drama, don't really plan on it.

Started watching 1 litre of Tears... it's sad, definitely. 

Yeah!

School's out!  Yeah, finally!  I'll miss the graduating people, but honestly, I'm kind of glad it's done for now.  Last day was... okay.  Had some issues with liking people, and vice versa, but that's just the way our grade... is?  Let's say that we're just stupid.  Ha, in Spanish, the last period, we were cornering this one guy, forcing him to tell who he liked.  Don't think we ever succeeded, but oh well.  I'll miss most of my classes, it was a fun year with all the people in them, even the teachers.  I did well on my math exam!  okay, on my spanish, though.  Sigh... oh well.  Life's life.

To be honest, I wish I could of said goodbye to those graduates, some who I had known from before, or even ones that I had known this year.  I'll miss them, you know?  But... it's time, to let go.  I need to let go of so many other things, but it's just not right. 

Got two shots today... one in my right, and one in my left.  Lovely. 

Had an awesome year, with a bit of some trouble, but I don't regret most of it.   Well... I guess?  In the stage where friendship, love, and social status is easily breakable.  Reminds me of what my friend once said.  "Most of your friends that age are only there for that period, they never carry on." Or something like that.

Started watching the drama Smiling Pasta... the main character is a bit stupid, but I'm still watching it.

Exams.

Exams, what more can I say? I'm screwed... especially Spanish. luckily I've only got 2 major exams, 4 exams total. Whew. Then school ends... so bittersweet yet victorious.

Sister's coming home tomorrow, glad to see her.

Pretty much... it for now.

Tears from Polaris

Běi Jí Xīng De Yǎn Lèi

Xiàng duàn le xiàn
Xiāo shī rén hǎi lǐ miàn
Wǒ de de yǎn zhōng yú shī qù
Nǐ de liǎn
x
Zài děng yī huì
Shē wàng liú xīng huì chū xiàn
Yuàn
Rú guǒ zhēn de shí xiàn

Ài néng bù néng yǒng yuǎn
Míng tiān
Huò xǔ lái bu jí biàn
Dàn céng jīng zǒu guò de zuó tiān
Yuè lái yuè yuǎn
xx
Běi jí xīng de yǎn lèi
Shuō bù chū de xiǎng niàn
Yuán lái wǒ men huó zài
Liǎng gè shì jiè

Běi jí xīng de yǎn lèi
Nǐ kū hóng de shuāng yǎn
Bèi lín shī de nuò yán
Yān mò zài xīn li miàn
Wǒ tái tóu kān zhe
Ài bù jiàn
xxx
(x to xxx)
Dāng duì de rén
Děng bù dào duì de shí jiān
Jiù zài fàng kāi shuāng shǒu de shùn jiān
Ài sī chéng liǎng biān
(xx to xxx)
Zhěng gè yǔ zhòu dōu
Liú yǎn lèi

Tears From Polaris

Like broken strings
Disappearing amongst the crowd
My eyes have finally lose sight of
Your face
x
Wait a moment more
Hoping a shooting star would appear
Hope
If it really came true

Can love be forever
Tomorrow
Maybe too late to change
But the yesterday that we have walked together
Is becoming further and further away
xx
Tears from polaris
Unable to say the longing
Actually we live in
Two different worlds

Tears from polaris
Your crying red pair of eyes
A soaked promise
Submerging inside my heart
I raise my head and see
That love has gone
xx
(x to xxx)
When the right person
Cannot wait for the right time
In the moment that we let go of our hands
The love is torn into two parts
(xx to xxx)
The whole universe
Is in tears

From the drama Smiling Pasta, haven't actually watched it. Might.

Letting Go...

Letting Go

Currently 11:50 PM, June 5th. You can probably see by the ending of the post >_>... but yeah.

Had a fun time tonight, went to a small friends reunion, then went to see my two cousins from Cali, while one of my other cousins gave me his camera to play with. XD

Tomorrow = study time.

Cold.

It's just so cold.

Just so lonely.

XD

Check out my new blog, for writing and things like that. http://mirrorsoftime.blogspot.com/

Letting Go.

Once that realizing comes over, letting go... just feels easy. Just let go, go along with time. I don't know. It happened like a snap of fingers, so quickly and easily.

Still debating.

Sister's graduating on tuesday, I'm happy for her. Can't wait for the summer... I guess?

There are times when the moments you hold, are too dear. When you can't imagine anything else besides it, but you know, that next year, it's never going to be the same. Who knows.

Deep inside, you hold the fear that people won't love you. Deep inside, you're afraid that your friends that you really care about, will think you are a freak. After all, it's the wanting to be loved, that breaks us apart.

But I've had a lifetime of letting people down. A lifetime of wanting to rid of the expectations pushed down on me.

That's it for now.

....Empty Silence? Lol.

Random title, there. XD.

Aagh. 3 1/2 more weeks of school. Such a pain. Still have final exams, and this week, I have 2 projects due (Tuesday and Wednesday) and a Math Test. My science teacher recently came back from having her baby, and aagh.... I'm starting to think that I liked the sub better.

My binder is falling apart.... *cries*

And I'm starting to get busier, and starting to not care about assignments.... which I really should. I've been procrastinating so much, lately.

Good News: Chinese School Ended today! XD Now school needs to end...

I've been okay, recently. Life's hectic. Life can suck sometimes. But honestly, you just have to learn to let go.

Still thinking of leaving that place....

When there's no reason for you to remain at a place, what keeps on holding me back?

Check these channels out:
WongFuProductions
KurtHugoSchneider

Tired. Just so... tired.

As the title implies, this week has been... quite tiring. Amusing, yes, though... tiring. Just like last week.

AAGH. My band teacher is pissed off at me. >_>. I might (am) going to miss the day concert at my school... because of a club field trip. And, this club field trip is really important. Competition, with my teamates. AAGH. And I'm first chair. Do you know how bad that looks? Really. Bad.

Sigh.

Don't know if I even love him anymore. The love... has just worn away.

As time passes, everything changes.

It's a new time. Almost...

Recap.

Happy Mothers Day, to all you mothers.

This past week... I was tired. Weary. Suddenly, I've lost all my answers. Suddenly, I know, that I honestly don't know what to do with this life.

When you're expected to follow a path, what do you do, when you just want to live up to your own expectations?

Is it alright, to just say 'Screw this. I don't want to wear myself out. This isn't worth my time.'?

Is it alright, to be who I am?

I need answers.

And there's only one place, that I feel like I can find them.

And... it's not here.

Don't know anymore.

Everything. Is. So. Screwed. Up.

Only one thing I'm sure of.

I want to leave that place.

It didn't help that today brought me down. It didn't help that I lost to someone whose speech didn't captivate me.

But I thought about it this morning. I never would have fit in, even if I tried hard to be someone who I wasn't.

I never would have felt the same, as I did then.

They wouldn't understand. My online life, didn't revolve around that group. I was there for the role play. For that thrill.

Funny thing is... I remember my first role play. It was there, in a group, that was... okay. I liked the people. So many things, that I remember... And I just enjoyed talking to people, asking how life was. Heck. Though honestly...

My heart left, when RE broke apart.

When Max left.

When I lost so many friends.

When Marco left, countless of times.

When so many groups that I belonged to, broke apart.

And honestly?

I'm tired of this crap.

Never Surrender.

Never Surrender - Skillet
Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?

Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
Never surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?

Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Make me feel better, you make me feel better
You make me feel better, put me back together

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I need to feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Put me back together
Never surrender, make me feel better
You make me feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

2 more months. Only, 2 more months.
Since I first, and last, saw him...

Everyday, it's becoming harder and harder to not surrender. Everyday, something always seems to stop me. Only a month and a half left of school.

Next year... nothing will be the same. Ironic, how we desperately try to cling onto things, that never remain.

Screw it.

Hmmm...

Tired. Though happier than usual. Helping out at my old school with a play ~

Got a new desk, and all. It looks so neat now...

Tired. Really tired.

Feeling groggy. (that word reminds me of froggy... but yeah. ) Tired. Luckily, I don't have homework, right now... too lazy to do any, I'll push off the science text book for tomorrow.

Slipping away.

You know when you lose people, like lose contact, or the things, classes, you do together have stopped? Why do we so often just go like - okay, I'll miss that person... but you just come accustomed to not having them there? Or not even care? Heck.

Today was the last day of my session for tennis. I got to advance to the next level! Yeah! Finally... though I might not do it because of schedule conflict and just stay with the current one... but I had a friend (ish) person who I always enjoyed seeing. His name is Thomas. He's a really cheerful guy, with light brown hair. Probably a year younger than me. Lol, he nicknamed himself 'Frenchman' before. He advanced to, and I was really happy. Though after this, I probably won't see him anymore, if I don't chose to go to the next level, which could conflict with my schedule. I wonder what it'll be like... without him? I don't know. I don't love him, but I love him as a friend. Someone who could cheer me up. But I know that he'll just become another one of my memories, stuck... if I don't do anything.

Love, Hate.

I still love him. No matter how much I've tried... I still love him.

Ironic how he'll never.

SPRING BREAK

I feel stupid right now. I just do. I hate how I turn on and off. But today was pretty awesome... so was yesterday and even friday. XD.

SPRING BREAK IS HERE! And I'm fully ready to embrace it! XD Need a break...

Got Skillet CD today XD Happy.

Yet tired.

Lost.

I'm just...lost. Lost in this world. Why should I live up to the expectations of others, when I have my own to live up to?

...because I care. Because I care about what others think of me. And it hurts when I let them down.

Just realized how alone I am... how much I really don't matter.

I want to leave... because not many things are standing in my way. I want to say farewell to those friends, and just face forward... because I honestly don't know if they were truly my friends. I don't know if they even truly cared. Because I'm invisible to them...

Winter.

It's that tired weariness, that broken life before your eyes that brings it all down. I never realized that the loss of the cruel, bitter winter would bring sorrow. I've been living in the winter, that numbness, unknowingly. I guess I just wanted time to stop, for the pieces of the past that I have been living in to just... come back. To just leave it. Everything is changing around me. Everyone is moving on. Am I the only one, who is still clinging to those pieces? Soon enough, in 3 or 4 months... it will be a year since I first and last met him. I'm switching on and off, I don't even know this person inside of me. There's that fury that goes and leaves. There's that suffocation of pressure and life, but then at the same time, there's that wild freedom. People are leaving me behind. And some things, I just can't let go of. I just can't.

I never really stood out. I always just wanted to blend in... with the crowd. And I suppose that's why I don't have that interesting personality. There's always that voice telling me, just do what you want. This is your life. But I honestly don't listen to it that often. Even so, I know I'm going to lose sight of who I truly am. But even that, I do not really know.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I just... don't know. I'm just sick of it.

Unbearable.

So lonely. So weary. So helpless.

Where is my inner strength from before? My will?

The past won't come back. Neither will this cycle ever end. I'm just so sick of it.

Why?

Why can no one see his blatant lies? Why can no one see that he's the hypocrite, criticizing others for mistakes he has made himself? Screw what I said about that guy earlier. I still hate him as much as I did. Gah.

I can't wait for spring break in two weeks. Or tuesday. When my sister comes home.

Continuation.

AAGH. Got pink eye...or red eye...or whatever you call it. Probably staying home tomorrow >_>.

But, continuing from yesterday's post.

I honestly don't know what I've felt about suicide and cutting, because I honestly don't know if I was just playing with the thought in my mind, or actually thinking about it.

I don't think about it anymore. Well, not suicide, and not really cutting.

In the beginning of this school year...my thoughts were jumbled up. I don't know what had happened, then. The thing about suicide, is that I'm afraid of the pain. And even, perhaps, the people I will lose. But, I cannot say that. Because there are times when I am willing to throw away all those people, to just get rid of the aching pain in my heart. That is the truth. If I had to say goodbye to 1 person, I would know who.

But that was the past. I hope for a better future, and I honestly hope that my emotions won't get the better of me. I hope. Tch.

Finished reading "Unwind" by...someone. (sorry). I forgot the author. But it was a good book. Made me think about some things.

I still hate that person. Less than before, yes. But I still hate him.

Blessings.

God. Feel really pissed. Screw it.

Never thought that I could hate someone, as much as I do now. I hate that person. Honestly, screw it. We never got along that well, but I guess that there's always people you can never get along with.

Just want to count my blessings. Feeling it recently... I should be more thankful, even to the people who I don't count for as often. People I spend more time with, but don't give thanks for. Even though I always spend time on the negative aspects, like I never fit in, etc, it's time to be positive when I'm not in that great of a mood.

Here's to my family, for everyday spent with them.
Here's to my best friend, who cheers me up everytime.
Here's to my friends in SS, who always make me laugh.
Here's to all my other friends at school, who are just there, for me.
Here's to my friends at WWM, who I know I am there, and often help me.
Here's to my old friends from RE, who I really miss, but I've lost.
Here's to Max, who has helped me indefinitely.
Here's to Greg, and all my friends at CTY, who made me feel accepted, who made me feel like I was one of them.
Here's to the people I would die, anyday for, because I love them.

I'll continue this post tomorrow, I still have other things to add.

Change.

Yesterday, I watched '10 things I hate about you' with Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger. It was an awesome movie. I really liked it.

Change is always inevitable, time has taught me that. Time has taken away the people that I love, and has brought change. Change is everywhere, but it hurts the most when it jumps out at you. I've lost too many people...not to the hand of death, but to change. To time.

It's the wanting to be loved, that breaks us apart.

Here's to the nights we felt alive...

Hate when I start writing stories, I can never get them to sound the way I want. Perfect plot, stupid writing. >_>. Gah.

Don't know what's going on in my head anymore. School's been okay, boring, etc. Don't know if I have a strong will to live like I did. The only thing that keeps me going is probably Greg, Max, and other friends of mine. I don't know. But I can tell you, even more than before, I believe in my friend's statement of happiness, as stated in my previous post...somewhere.

Anyways...I hate that I always feel like I don't belong, and I never know things that others do. Left out...alone. Something like that. It's that gnawing feeling, you know? Perhaps not.

I miss the past. Not as much as before...but I just miss it. As always, ha. Going to start over on that story, some other time. Not in this post, at least.

Here's To the Night - Eve6

So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Awesome song. Can't help but think...of the past, you know?

Wishing you were here.

Trust.

So tired. As always, right? Aggh. Today was okay. Got off of piano because my mom was late XD... school was just okay.

The Hunger Games - absolutely awesome series. Just reading the second book. Awesomeness.

Talked with my mom a bit about love, etc. You know when someone comes into your life - and you feel that it's just for one reason? And not your really loved one. Well, I know that feeling. I really do.

Haven't been feeling that great recently. Not as in physically sick...but just not mentally. I don't know. I just feel that I don't belong, and I will never. Ha. Of course.

___________________________________________________________________


I'm going to start writing. This is the story of my everyday life. I won't write because of the glory. Or just to show off. Or anything like that. I write because I want to be heard. I write because I want to let it all out.

Everything is different. Nothing is the same.
Because I'm a dis illusionist.

I'm not going to create a silly fantasy that isn't at all real. But the things I write, they are how I imagine them. There are bonds, that you always thought you were there. Special relationships, that you thought that were there. But in reality, they weren't. And you end up disappointed. And I won't use real names, real things to the exact detail. Because I just won't. So, in the end...

This is just a story of a girl. Another girl. That didn't ever happen. Right? Ha.

This is for the people I live with everyday. But especially to GL, and mostly, MH. He is the one who makes me who I am, not someone who lost her way. Both of them helped.

Today was average. Hate how I missed a day on Friday, and now I'll have to make up the work tomorrow. Luckily I have blocked schedule. I was out of it today. Just out of it. Don't know where I was...but it didn't feel right. Ugh. Wish we could have missed more school. Selfish, right? Today...I don't know. I felt somewhat annoyed when my partner for gym got taken away by my other friend... tch. Feel so childish when I shouldn't be. But I want to move on. To grow up. To go to college. And move on. Sometimes, I feel pissed off when I shouldn't be. So empty when I shouldn't be. And today...just got reminded of someone. Of James. I still remember, those days when I felt accepted, I felt wanted. I really miss him.

I don't fit in. Not really, not with many people. Maybe at school...maybe. And maybe at home... maybe. But with my cousins? Not really. I don't want to go into that. The sin weighed down, tch. Anyways. But I don't fit in at church, which I go to only during the summer. I don't fit in at Chinese school, because I feel insanely stupid. And most of all, I don't fit in with another group of friends, not at school, but just a group of friends I hang out with. I don't belong. I can feel that emptiness, gnawing at me. I'm not wanted, I don't fit in, I'm not one of them. And it's lonely. So lonely.

And honestly, the tears I want to fall only fall when I don't want them to. And when I start to slightly cry, I think of James, and that really makes me want to cry more. Ironic?

That's all.

No school.

Wow. We got off of school Monday and today...and now they've announced that we have no school for the rest of the week! Awesome. Because it snowed a whole lot on saturday...and we're due for more snow tonight and tomorrow. XD Really happy.

Started hearing this song the radio...sometimes, I can't help but think it's somewhat true. Somewhat.

According to you - Orianthi
According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I cant do anything right
According to you
I'm difficult
hard to please
forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
cant show up on time
even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistible
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything I'm not according to you

According to you
I'm boring
I'm moody
and you cant take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
you're the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you


But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistible
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything I'm not
according to you

I need to feel appreciated
like I'm not hated. oh no
Why cant you see me through his eyes?
Its too bad your making me decide.

But according to me
you're stupid
you're useless
you cant do anything right
But according to him
I'm beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny
irresistible
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything I'm not
according to you
you you
according to you
you you

According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I cant do anything right.

.......and I can't help thinking that the guy I used to like is now a complete stranger. Well, no. I probably still like him. And I can't help thinking that if I stayed with him, then I could have loved him forever, even if it was unrequited. Ha. But I guess that's not how it always turns out, right?

On a 'I can't help thinking' role.

I can't help thinking that without one of my friends, I would be lost forever, and unable to move ahead. He has helped me a huge amount, and I still yet cannot find a way to repay him.

And I can't help thinking that I'm being really selfish, honestly. Nothing is really wrong with my life. I am blessed by the Lord. A well off family, a good education, yeah. But why do I always feel so unappreciative?

Snow.

AAGH. I think I've seen more than enough snow for a year. >_>. Ugh. About...2 to 3 feet? I don't know. The power was out for about 32 hours? somewhere around there.

Ugh.

Didn't have school yesterday...and I hope we don't have school tomorrow. There's supposed to be a big snow storm tomorrow...and next wednesday. I hope. XD.

To someone who used to be a close friend -

Is it just me,
Or are you a completely different person?

You act like you're all that,
And somehow slightly ignore me.

Perhaps it was me being naive,
and thinking that it was like it used to be.

I don't know you anymore.
Because you aren't there standing next to me.
You're gone.

Whi.

Broken.

I don't know anymore. All I can feel is that it's broken apart. I don't even know you anymore. Those past memories seem like an illusion, a dream, something that won't come back again.

I don't want to love you anymore. I don't want to be hurt by someone who doesn't even know. I don't want to be living in the past, being disillusioned by mere figures that won't come back.

It's not pain. It's just confusion.

Generation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1AXZt3TWzg

'You say we got no future
You're living in the past
So listen up, that's my generation'

White darkness.

A dark feeling, one that will grow to beyond corruption if I don't stop it now.

It's a numb coldness, a sad darkness.

I believe it was today...in english, we were writing in our journals and we had topics to choose from. I chose "Why...is good better than evil?" It's not. Honestly. It's merely our own human labels that we put on them. In truth, there is no 'good' and 'evil'. The 'evil' ones are merely blinded by revenge, hatred, to push away anything to get to their victory. It is merely the 'good' that do things for the good for the people. There are always two perspectives to a story. Both on the same levels. But then again...it's merely my opinion.

Flawed Beauty.

I think I'm really going crazy. I can't stand it anymore.

Look at the picture on the right. I took the picture, then fooled around with the lighting.

We seem so bright, but then look at the shadows we cast. It's flawed beauty.

We are always aiming for the top, always willing to push people down if that's the road to victory.

No one's light is pure. We all have a dark aura surrounding us, no matter how well covered up.

It's judgment.

In a world of superficiality, where do you stand?

Don't give me your fake smiles, your facade, and then perhaps I won't give you mine.

Why do I feel so alone in this world, when I know I'm blessed with beautiful friends.

Why are we all, standing alone.

Honestly.

Haven't posted in a while, now... I guess. Exam week is over now, luckily. So tired.

And honestly, right now, I still don't know about my feelings. I don't want to like the guy I do. But I do. And it's not like he's not a great guy. He really is. But I don't want to be hurt, going on and off like this.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Thoughts are running through my mind, and I can't stand it anymore. This superficial way of life.

I just need someone to trust. A shoulder for me to cry on. Someone whom I can just release it all to. Honestly.

*Cough* Supposed to be doing Spanish, and studying for spanish right now. But oh well. Taking a little break.

Today I finished the book, "Frozen Fire". It was a good book, not the best, but good. Though, it did make me think. Just a sort of weary group of thoughts. Something like that.

Once, one of my friends disagreed with me on my view of 'happiness'. He thought that happiness was something that was long, that was truly peaceful, getting rid of all stress. Or something like that. I thought it was merely short periods of light. I don't know. But now, I think I'm beginning to believe him. Honestly.

Why does the mere thought of you,
Cheer me up?

Even just a little.

Why can't I forget,
And throw it away?

I can't stop it.

Why couldn't I forsee,
That I would still love you?

Even after all this time.

Why did I even fall,
For you, when we were just friends?

And that would have been enough.

Why.

Not a favorite song of mine, it's just okay. But I really like the lyrics.

Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

Hmmm.

Exams. Gah. I got a B on my science one >_>.... And I have Spanish, Math, and English coming up. Gah.

Feeling numbness. Not essentially sadness, but numbness. Just found out that the guy I like is...dating? I think. But it's not like I even see him everyday. I only saw him during the summer. And we only keep in contact on facebook. But I definitely know he doesn't like me. I knew that from the start.

And I can't even count the people I miss. Especially the ones who don't keep in contact anymore.

A Beautiful Lie - 30 seconds to Mars

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

[Chorus:]
It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

[Chorus]

(Oh Oh
The end of the world)

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

(So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful
It's a beautiful lie
So beautiful, beautiful...)

[Chorus]

Wish I could just forget about my past. Wish I could just throw it away. Well, most of it. And most of all, I wish I could stop clinging to my past.