My grandfather passed away, early this morning. I truly only met him closely once, but once was enough to know that it was time. He was suffering from disease, and I believe this released him.
I'm just going to put this short in for today. Please, Lord, please let his soul rest, after everything he has been through. Please. And may family accept what has happened; death is part of life that we must let go of.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Waiting
Yesterday, I almost broke down at the sight of a simple Facebook page. Is this, how weak I've become? Damn. The day before that, when I was cleaning my room and listening to some music, I almost started crying because of memories that I've lost, and memories I cannot retain.
Yesterday was his birthday. The guy I used to like for a year. Greg.
I'm not completely stupid. Yet. I noticed on Facebook, and then I commented and said happy birthday. I almost broke down because I can remember how we were friends, good friends. For 15 days. Then things got worse and worse. Now, it's been like a year and a half. Now, I'm still waiting to let go.
Waiting, to let go of my stupid hopes and dreams.
Yesterday was his birthday. The guy I used to like for a year. Greg.
I'm not completely stupid. Yet. I noticed on Facebook, and then I commented and said happy birthday. I almost broke down because I can remember how we were friends, good friends. For 15 days. Then things got worse and worse. Now, it's been like a year and a half. Now, I'm still waiting to let go.
Waiting, to let go of my stupid hopes and dreams.
Endlessly - Green River Ordinance
She is the days I can't get over
She is the nights that I call home endlessly
For you I'll always wait
Caught in the waves of hesitation
Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly
For you I'll always wait
For you I'll always wait
She is the nights that I call home endlessly
For you I'll always wait
Caught in the waves of hesitation
Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly
For you I'll always wait
For you I'll always wait
Change some words, and you've got my thoughts.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Lies
Today's one of those days when I look up at the moon and wish for the fantasies that lay in my mind. Fantasies, memories, that made me happy. It's days like these when I wish all the seams were mended, and we could ignore the fraying thread on the edges.
Neither am I ready to stop lying to myself, over and over.
I'm not ready to fall, I'm not ready to let go of everything.
Neither am I ready to stop lying to myself, over and over.
Lying, that everything's going to be okay. Lying, that he's going to reply. Lying, that I can be content.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Memories
I wish that I could have a book that held all my memories, so when I became sad, I could go back and look upon those happy memories; and perhaps smile and then feel more pain at losing those people.
Today, I had a lot of fun... playing chess. I learned how to play it better, and it was kind of refreshing after not playing it in... many years. Ben helped out a lot and even pretty much killed his own queen. (told me to) I had a lot of smiles tonight, and I thank the Lord for it.
I'll have to wake up early tomorrow to study... for my Chinese School Exam. Lovely.
Goodnight, world. Goodnight.
Today, I had a lot of fun... playing chess. I learned how to play it better, and it was kind of refreshing after not playing it in... many years. Ben helped out a lot and even pretty much killed his own queen. (told me to) I had a lot of smiles tonight, and I thank the Lord for it.
I'll have to wake up early tomorrow to study... for my Chinese School Exam. Lovely.
Goodnight, world. Goodnight.
Days, Passing By
The days pass by, and I'm stuck here, in the midst of it all. Blurred, drained of emotions, just empty with a facade. Pain, loss, love, tears. Nothing. Just waiting, for his reply. Waiting, for something else to happen. Waiting for myself to let go.
A week ago, I... spilled everything out. It was the first time, and it felt like I was somewhat released. I told a friend about everything with Max, and it makes me feel better because he's the sort of person who listens (and makes you spill) but doesn't pry that much.
Sometimes, I just want to sit outside and lay down, looking up at the brilliant, vast sky; watching the day pass by, and time slip out of my hands.
Exams have started, and I honestly don't feel motivation to do much. I don't know.
I was re-reading Gakuen Alice, and it was really sad. So much connections lost, people past, sacrifices made. (Nobara and Persona, Yuka and Shiki/Sensei, Mikan and Natsume) It was sad. Can't wait for the nest chapter.
Sometimes, I wish my life wasn't as tangled as it is now. Sometimes I wish that I could start hoping again. And truly loving.
A week ago, I... spilled everything out. It was the first time, and it felt like I was somewhat released. I told a friend about everything with Max, and it makes me feel better because he's the sort of person who listens (and makes you spill) but doesn't pry that much.
Sometimes, I just want to sit outside and lay down, looking up at the brilliant, vast sky; watching the day pass by, and time slip out of my hands.
Exams have started, and I honestly don't feel motivation to do much. I don't know.
I was re-reading Gakuen Alice, and it was really sad. So much connections lost, people past, sacrifices made. (Nobara and Persona, Yuka and Shiki/Sensei, Mikan and Natsume) It was sad. Can't wait for the nest chapter.
Sometimes, I wish my life wasn't as tangled as it is now. Sometimes I wish that I could start hoping again. And truly loving.
As the days pass by, I sit here watching my life shorten, and shorten.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Dolls
"Lost a day. Lost a love...
Full of longing, as if following my memories
Alone, I stand on the beach
So lonely my tears overflow
The only noise that of the waves
A single teardrop dissolved into the ocean
It's so painful thinking of you
The dusk and the soft waves
Bring you to me, how you were that day..."
-DOLLS, Janne Da Arc
Full of longing, as if following my memories
Alone, I stand on the beach
So lonely my tears overflow
The only noise that of the waves
A single teardrop dissolved into the ocean
It's so painful thinking of you
The dusk and the soft waves
Bring you to me, how you were that day..."
-DOLLS, Janne Da Arc
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Life and Death
What a great way to start off the new year with some depressing thoughts.
I visited my mom's father, my grandfather, at the nursing home today. He has Parkinson's Disease, I believe. He's in one of the final stages, he already lost his ability to walk, to eat, to move his hands, and now he's starting to lose his ability to breathe. It was emotional. It made me wonder why people must go through pain, and how people can still call that living. If I ever became like that, I would tell them to kill me. The worst part is, he hasn't lost his intellectual mind, but he cannot speak well. What I felt... can't be described in words very well. My father's father passed away three years ago, because of cancer that 'took a turn for the worse'. I knew him better, and it hurt. When you realize that someone is going to die, or they're rotting away, it hurts when you know that they have to experience this pain while you're still happily living life. My uncle said it was like he had went through a cycle of life; at first, as a baby, you can't talk or anything and you sleep all day. Then you begin to develop. It's like my grandfather has went back to the first stage, yet he has no womb.
I passed by the church in the nursing home. To me, it looked like Jesus was the God of Death, his hand outstretched, welcoming people to hell.
We see the world through a clouded glass, full of stains and shifts.
I visited my mom's father, my grandfather, at the nursing home today. He has Parkinson's Disease, I believe. He's in one of the final stages, he already lost his ability to walk, to eat, to move his hands, and now he's starting to lose his ability to breathe. It was emotional. It made me wonder why people must go through pain, and how people can still call that living. If I ever became like that, I would tell them to kill me. The worst part is, he hasn't lost his intellectual mind, but he cannot speak well. What I felt... can't be described in words very well. My father's father passed away three years ago, because of cancer that 'took a turn for the worse'. I knew him better, and it hurt. When you realize that someone is going to die, or they're rotting away, it hurts when you know that they have to experience this pain while you're still happily living life. My uncle said it was like he had went through a cycle of life; at first, as a baby, you can't talk or anything and you sleep all day. Then you begin to develop. It's like my grandfather has went back to the first stage, yet he has no womb.
I passed by the church in the nursing home. To me, it looked like Jesus was the God of Death, his hand outstretched, welcoming people to hell.
We see the world through a clouded glass, full of stains and shifts.
We live not to die, yet die, for life.
2011
Happy New Year people. Let's hope it won't be miserable.
As usual, the new year resolutions and last year regrets.
I don't want to fall in love with someone so deeply that it hurts. It happened, it won't until it's real. I hope.
I actually want... to be a better person. That sounds really lame, but I do.
Less procrastinating, less facades, less stressing about stupid things like my weight and grades. (maybe not the grades part)
Praying for good changes. Good ones. But I bet I'll lose some people along the way and lose myself.
Hope things turn out for the better for you all.
As usual, the new year resolutions and last year regrets.
I don't want to fall in love with someone so deeply that it hurts. It happened, it won't until it's real. I hope.
I actually want... to be a better person. That sounds really lame, but I do.
Less procrastinating, less facades, less stressing about stupid things like my weight and grades. (maybe not the grades part)
Praying for good changes. Good ones. But I bet I'll lose some people along the way and lose myself.
Hope things turn out for the better for you all.
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