Dead

I can't write.  Nothing.  The inspiration's dead, these lines seem lifeless.

Weary

Her flying out of the nest just brought those two closer, and me standing all alone while they carry on.  I can see it quite clearly, the joy in my mother's face as she embraces those two, and when they talk and laugh together.  Please.

If I left some places, I know that it would not make a difference in people's lives like some people did for me.  It would not.  It's already been too long, I'm just delaying the inevitable, not wanting to deliver the final blow.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here? 

Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Taste.

The taste reminds me of a home away from home, it reminds me of joy and happiness, and I can hear the sound of laughter, just faintly.  I know that right now, that's not what's here. 

Screw.

Hard work doesn't get you everywhere. 

Even when you say it's alright, when the tears start falling, you know it's useless to lie to yourself.


Why must I live up to your expectations?

Why the hell do the tears fall?

Why am I so weak?

Why am I so affected by what others say?

Today... no, tonight was bad.  Went to karate as usual, and me and a bunch of other people retook our tests to move up a rank.  The Sensei said... basically that I was bad, and I need a lot more work and practice.  Same for my tambo kata.  The only thing he said was decent was my sparring, and that's my bloody weakest spot.  Honestly.

 And then my dad goes like 'You need to practice for your SATs.  You've been slacking off.' Really?  That's a real good encouragement.  Screw.  There's something called schoolwork and my feelings, that you don't even understand.

Screw it.   

Feelings and Loss

Is it better to feel too much, or feel nothing at all?  Is it better to feel pain, or nothing? Is it better to feel attached or apart? 

Recently, a couple of things has brought me to ask these questions. 

A couple weeks ago, my friend sent a reply to my email (we email back and forth every few weeks).  I had asked him whether it was better to experience pain or nothing at all, and he answered that once you feel enough pain, the rest doesn't phase you.  He said that he wasn't phased by much, and whether it was a good or bad thing, it all depended on the person.  It makes me wonder how he got so hard, so blocked, because he truly is a strong, if not cold, person inside.  All he wants is to be successful, but honestly, why can't he just go and love someone?  Why, Lord, does he have to go through all this pain?  Why, did all these bad things have to happen to him, and cause him to be like this.  Why.  Of all the people, he is one that does not deserve it.  From what I know. 

The second, was today.  During gym class we were in the weight room just talking (not exercising like we were really supposed to >_>), and the subject of ruining people's lives came up.  Not seriously ruining... but yeah.  My best friend took me and my guy friend aside and told me the story of how the guy friend asked my other friend out on the last day of school.  Then, over the summer, he basically didn't like her anymore... and basically she was depressed and hated him.   And he didn't even apologize, etc.  It was like he didn't feel guilty, and he didn't feel hurt, while she got hurt a lot.  And my best friend got pissed at him for hurting our friend.  

It was like he didn't feel anything at all, while I on the other hand feel things too much.  I grew up too fast, and I honestly think I lost the essence of who I really was supposed to be.  I felt pain too early, and I guess I just bottled it all up inside.  I guess that the loss of love, and loneliness from friendship really burned me.  Some days, I just feel that I put up a front, or facade, and that my emotions swirling on the inside are ready to burst.  Like how I always push myself deeper into the darkness, and blame myself.  Is this better?  Worse?  Ha.  Who knows.

 The most recent was earlier tonight.  I went to a pizza party for my soccer team- end of season celebrating.  Then my coach announced that he wasn't going to coach anymore because his daughter was going to do dance instead of soccer.  Which basically means the team is breaking up, the people who want to continue playing soccer have to go find a new team.  Which is what I'm really nervous about.  I've been on the same team since... first grade, and even though I'm quiet and go to a different school, I still kind of have a sense of place.  I do miss a lot of practices because they're early, but the coach understands.  So what if the new coach doesn't?  What if I don't fit in, and what if the new coach doesn't know my skills as well?  Was it better for me to feel attached to this team, or apart?  When my coach hugged me, (he's a really tall, broad shoulders, skinny guy), I almost cried.  And that doesn't happen often.  

Life's been life.  A busy, bad, week.  Too many assignments and tests crammed in, too many phrases and quick moments. 

Counting the Days

Counting the Days - Good Charlotte
Wake up, go to work, come home, it's not working
We've been living our whole lives
on a system that is broken
Your words, I hear them
They're sharp, can't get near them
We got one last chance,
one more time to make this happen

(chorus)
We got one time, time to get this right
two timing, you know it's not my style
three's company, just you and me,
we need to figure this one out
four letter words are all you said
five minutes later we're in bed
Can't count on you to love me,
but I can count the days since you've been gone

Break up, I come home, I realized thats its not working
you're gone, it echoes
I miss the noise of all our fighting
and you know that I don't mean a word I say
and I know that you don't wanna stay away
how long am I gonna be counting the days you're gone

We got one time, time to get this right
two timing, you know it's not my style
three's company, just you and me,
we need to figure this one out
four letter words are all you said
five minutes later we're in bed
Can't count on you to love me,
but I can count the days since you've been gone

Ever since I saw you,
there was no-one else, just you and me
(you're all that I could see)
but I got this problem
I don't know how to say what I mean, what I mean

We got one time, time to get this right
two timing, you know it's not my style
three's company, just you and me,
we need to figure this one out

We got one time, time to get this right
two timing you know it's not my style
three's company, just you and me,
we need to figure this one out
four letter words are all you said
five minutes later we're in bed
Can't count on you to love me,
but I can count the days since you've been gone
can count the days since you've been gone

Wake up, go to work, come home, it's not working
We've been living our whole lives
on a system that is broken


Wishing that I wasn't so affected by what you say and what you do,
Wishing that I never fell in love with you.

"You never stop loving someone.  You just learn to live without them."

Bringing a New Dawn

The sky brings a new dawn each day,
It's dark shades everchanging with the light.
Shadows flickering fortell of dread,
Yet the light continues to rise.

It's dark shadows everchanging with the light,
A bird soars into the empty sky.
Yet the light continues to rise,
Breaking off the shadows.

A bird soars in the empty sky,
Dew drips from a bare branch,
Breaking off the shadows,
Stealing away life.

Dew drips from a bare branch,
Shadows flickering fortell of dread.
Stealing away life,
The sky brings a new dawn each day.

Remember that we humans cannot coexist peacefully, remember that these lies are true.  

Never forsake your beliefs, before you falter in step.  

Brokenly Insane

Even as the tears fall, nothing remains in my heart besides regret and pain.  The regret of locking my own self into this trap set out my none other but me.  The pain of mistakingly loving someone who brings nothing but pain any longer, the irony is that it all turns back to myself. 

I can't write anymore, at least not decently and instantly.  I've had a writer's poetry block for at least 3 months now, nothing that I write sounds good like it did.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm going insane, and other times, I just want to leave it all behind, and scream. 

If you told me to wait,

I would have been waiting for an eternity, 

But at least still holding onto those last words with sanity,

Unlike where I am now, become brokenly insane.

Habits and Joys

I just realized that I have a bad habit of listening to sad songs... which get stuck in my head.  Or crazy ones.  Aha.
Here's the recent one.


Since October - In this Moment
Well you deserve only the best in me
without you I've lost it all
I know I've taken for granted all these years
the things that seem so small
and I'd give anything for one more, just one more try
to notice the things I'm holding on to
right now in my mind

cause I'm missing you tonight
till I finally close my eyes
I am caught up in this moment
so caught up
cause you're right here by my side

you always did bring out the best in me
that part of me has died
I know i couldn't even live my life
without you but I tried
and to think that I'm all you wanted
well you got all of me this time
and I'm ready to give this one more chance
as long as you're willing to try


so where do we go from here (when will I know)
like tearing flesh still the scars remain
the difference is so clear
and I'm breaking my fall, when I'm risking it all
and my options are few, when all I have is you and that's all
yeah I'm chasing the call but my patience is gone
now all these memories are coming back to me

Today I was at the Creative Writing Club at my school, and we went to the computer lab across the hall to type and update our 'novels' for this contest we're participating in.  The guy next to me who's a grade older than me, I notice is occasionally glancing at my screen as I'm typing and erasing (I have terrible idea blocks on how to start things).  Then out of nowhere he tells me that my story sounds interesting and how it sounds really good, and apologizes that he's been reading it.  It was a big surprise, because I had been erasing half of what I had written, and usually no one tells me that, at least rarely.  It made my afternoon and day, how's that.  He had gotten a lot further than me... but oh well.  And he rarely comes to club, too.  And I'm not exactly the most sociable, attractive girl, seeing that I wear a lot of black.  That's all for today, then.

Broken and Lost

You won't be there to catch my tears, you never were.  Friendship wasn't even there, yet somehow I still held onto that hope that you would come back, that you would come and tell me that it was alright.  I guess it shows how naive I am, how much I can't let go, and how the thought of you still brings tears to my eyes.  I'm sitting infront of the computer, listening to bittersweet music as I look at the only small connection I still have to you.  Both of you.  But I have never been able to hold onto anyone important, never.

Every Avenue - The Story Left Untold
Everything you own
In a suitcase by the door
The words that keep you home
Are failing

Everything we take
Out in anger
Eventually we'll break
Down to answers
That are ringing in my head

Slow down
Take a deep breath
We can't give up tonight

Is it right to sit and watch this die?
We're slowly letting go
Like its better left alone
So erase the damages we've made
The story left untold is better than you know
Oh, is better than you know

Of all the nights we spent wrapped in blankets
The mattress on the floor we now hold sacred
You were my best friend

Slow down
Take a deep breath
We can't give up tonight

Is it right to sit and watch this die?
We're slowly letting go
Like its better left alone
So erase the damages we've made
The story left untold is better than you know

So much more to say
Suspended in the air
Between the truth and rights in place
Spilling over everything
Before you slip away
Before you slip away from me
Slow down

Is it right to sit and watch this die?
We're slowly letting go
Its better left alone
So erase the damages we've made
The story left untold is better than you know

Is it right to sit and watch this die?
We're slowly letting go
Like its better left alone
So erase the damages we've made
The story left untold is better than you know

 Here's to the ones I loved and lost, to the people who have decided to leave for the better, who are stronger than I will ever be... sacrifices are necessary to survive.  

Marco