SPRING BREAK

I feel stupid right now. I just do. I hate how I turn on and off. But today was pretty awesome... so was yesterday and even friday. XD.

SPRING BREAK IS HERE! And I'm fully ready to embrace it! XD Need a break...

Got Skillet CD today XD Happy.

Yet tired.

Lost.

I'm just...lost. Lost in this world. Why should I live up to the expectations of others, when I have my own to live up to?

...because I care. Because I care about what others think of me. And it hurts when I let them down.

Just realized how alone I am... how much I really don't matter.

I want to leave... because not many things are standing in my way. I want to say farewell to those friends, and just face forward... because I honestly don't know if they were truly my friends. I don't know if they even truly cared. Because I'm invisible to them...

Winter.

It's that tired weariness, that broken life before your eyes that brings it all down. I never realized that the loss of the cruel, bitter winter would bring sorrow. I've been living in the winter, that numbness, unknowingly. I guess I just wanted time to stop, for the pieces of the past that I have been living in to just... come back. To just leave it. Everything is changing around me. Everyone is moving on. Am I the only one, who is still clinging to those pieces? Soon enough, in 3 or 4 months... it will be a year since I first and last met him. I'm switching on and off, I don't even know this person inside of me. There's that fury that goes and leaves. There's that suffocation of pressure and life, but then at the same time, there's that wild freedom. People are leaving me behind. And some things, I just can't let go of. I just can't.

I never really stood out. I always just wanted to blend in... with the crowd. And I suppose that's why I don't have that interesting personality. There's always that voice telling me, just do what you want. This is your life. But I honestly don't listen to it that often. Even so, I know I'm going to lose sight of who I truly am. But even that, I do not really know.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I just... don't know. I'm just sick of it.

Unbearable.

So lonely. So weary. So helpless.

Where is my inner strength from before? My will?

The past won't come back. Neither will this cycle ever end. I'm just so sick of it.

Why?

Why can no one see his blatant lies? Why can no one see that he's the hypocrite, criticizing others for mistakes he has made himself? Screw what I said about that guy earlier. I still hate him as much as I did. Gah.

I can't wait for spring break in two weeks. Or tuesday. When my sister comes home.

Continuation.

AAGH. Got pink eye...or red eye...or whatever you call it. Probably staying home tomorrow >_>.

But, continuing from yesterday's post.

I honestly don't know what I've felt about suicide and cutting, because I honestly don't know if I was just playing with the thought in my mind, or actually thinking about it.

I don't think about it anymore. Well, not suicide, and not really cutting.

In the beginning of this school year...my thoughts were jumbled up. I don't know what had happened, then. The thing about suicide, is that I'm afraid of the pain. And even, perhaps, the people I will lose. But, I cannot say that. Because there are times when I am willing to throw away all those people, to just get rid of the aching pain in my heart. That is the truth. If I had to say goodbye to 1 person, I would know who.

But that was the past. I hope for a better future, and I honestly hope that my emotions won't get the better of me. I hope. Tch.

Finished reading "Unwind" by...someone. (sorry). I forgot the author. But it was a good book. Made me think about some things.

I still hate that person. Less than before, yes. But I still hate him.

Blessings.

God. Feel really pissed. Screw it.

Never thought that I could hate someone, as much as I do now. I hate that person. Honestly, screw it. We never got along that well, but I guess that there's always people you can never get along with.

Just want to count my blessings. Feeling it recently... I should be more thankful, even to the people who I don't count for as often. People I spend more time with, but don't give thanks for. Even though I always spend time on the negative aspects, like I never fit in, etc, it's time to be positive when I'm not in that great of a mood.

Here's to my family, for everyday spent with them.
Here's to my best friend, who cheers me up everytime.
Here's to my friends in SS, who always make me laugh.
Here's to all my other friends at school, who are just there, for me.
Here's to my friends at WWM, who I know I am there, and often help me.
Here's to my old friends from RE, who I really miss, but I've lost.
Here's to Max, who has helped me indefinitely.
Here's to Greg, and all my friends at CTY, who made me feel accepted, who made me feel like I was one of them.
Here's to the people I would die, anyday for, because I love them.

I'll continue this post tomorrow, I still have other things to add.

Change.

Yesterday, I watched '10 things I hate about you' with Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger. It was an awesome movie. I really liked it.

Change is always inevitable, time has taught me that. Time has taken away the people that I love, and has brought change. Change is everywhere, but it hurts the most when it jumps out at you. I've lost too many people...not to the hand of death, but to change. To time.

It's the wanting to be loved, that breaks us apart.

Here's to the nights we felt alive...

Hate when I start writing stories, I can never get them to sound the way I want. Perfect plot, stupid writing. >_>. Gah.

Don't know what's going on in my head anymore. School's been okay, boring, etc. Don't know if I have a strong will to live like I did. The only thing that keeps me going is probably Greg, Max, and other friends of mine. I don't know. But I can tell you, even more than before, I believe in my friend's statement of happiness, as stated in my previous post...somewhere.

Anyways...I hate that I always feel like I don't belong, and I never know things that others do. Left out...alone. Something like that. It's that gnawing feeling, you know? Perhaps not.

I miss the past. Not as much as before...but I just miss it. As always, ha. Going to start over on that story, some other time. Not in this post, at least.

Here's To the Night - Eve6

So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Awesome song. Can't help but think...of the past, you know?

Wishing you were here.