Love, Hate.

I still love him. No matter how much I've tried... I still love him.

Ironic how he'll never.

SPRING BREAK

I feel stupid right now. I just do. I hate how I turn on and off. But today was pretty awesome... so was yesterday and even friday. XD.

SPRING BREAK IS HERE! And I'm fully ready to embrace it! XD Need a break...

Got Skillet CD today XD Happy.

Yet tired.

Lost.

I'm just...lost. Lost in this world. Why should I live up to the expectations of others, when I have my own to live up to?

...because I care. Because I care about what others think of me. And it hurts when I let them down.

Just realized how alone I am... how much I really don't matter.

I want to leave... because not many things are standing in my way. I want to say farewell to those friends, and just face forward... because I honestly don't know if they were truly my friends. I don't know if they even truly cared. Because I'm invisible to them...

Winter.

It's that tired weariness, that broken life before your eyes that brings it all down. I never realized that the loss of the cruel, bitter winter would bring sorrow. I've been living in the winter, that numbness, unknowingly. I guess I just wanted time to stop, for the pieces of the past that I have been living in to just... come back. To just leave it. Everything is changing around me. Everyone is moving on. Am I the only one, who is still clinging to those pieces? Soon enough, in 3 or 4 months... it will be a year since I first and last met him. I'm switching on and off, I don't even know this person inside of me. There's that fury that goes and leaves. There's that suffocation of pressure and life, but then at the same time, there's that wild freedom. People are leaving me behind. And some things, I just can't let go of. I just can't.

I never really stood out. I always just wanted to blend in... with the crowd. And I suppose that's why I don't have that interesting personality. There's always that voice telling me, just do what you want. This is your life. But I honestly don't listen to it that often. Even so, I know I'm going to lose sight of who I truly am. But even that, I do not really know.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I just... don't know. I'm just sick of it.

Unbearable.

So lonely. So weary. So helpless.

Where is my inner strength from before? My will?

The past won't come back. Neither will this cycle ever end. I'm just so sick of it.

Why?

Why can no one see his blatant lies? Why can no one see that he's the hypocrite, criticizing others for mistakes he has made himself? Screw what I said about that guy earlier. I still hate him as much as I did. Gah.

I can't wait for spring break in two weeks. Or tuesday. When my sister comes home.

Continuation.

AAGH. Got pink eye...or red eye...or whatever you call it. Probably staying home tomorrow >_>.

But, continuing from yesterday's post.

I honestly don't know what I've felt about suicide and cutting, because I honestly don't know if I was just playing with the thought in my mind, or actually thinking about it.

I don't think about it anymore. Well, not suicide, and not really cutting.

In the beginning of this school year...my thoughts were jumbled up. I don't know what had happened, then. The thing about suicide, is that I'm afraid of the pain. And even, perhaps, the people I will lose. But, I cannot say that. Because there are times when I am willing to throw away all those people, to just get rid of the aching pain in my heart. That is the truth. If I had to say goodbye to 1 person, I would know who.

But that was the past. I hope for a better future, and I honestly hope that my emotions won't get the better of me. I hope. Tch.

Finished reading "Unwind" by...someone. (sorry). I forgot the author. But it was a good book. Made me think about some things.

I still hate that person. Less than before, yes. But I still hate him.

Blessings.

God. Feel really pissed. Screw it.

Never thought that I could hate someone, as much as I do now. I hate that person. Honestly, screw it. We never got along that well, but I guess that there's always people you can never get along with.

Just want to count my blessings. Feeling it recently... I should be more thankful, even to the people who I don't count for as often. People I spend more time with, but don't give thanks for. Even though I always spend time on the negative aspects, like I never fit in, etc, it's time to be positive when I'm not in that great of a mood.

Here's to my family, for everyday spent with them.
Here's to my best friend, who cheers me up everytime.
Here's to my friends in SS, who always make me laugh.
Here's to all my other friends at school, who are just there, for me.
Here's to my friends at WWM, who I know I am there, and often help me.
Here's to my old friends from RE, who I really miss, but I've lost.
Here's to Max, who has helped me indefinitely.
Here's to Greg, and all my friends at CTY, who made me feel accepted, who made me feel like I was one of them.
Here's to the people I would die, anyday for, because I love them.

I'll continue this post tomorrow, I still have other things to add.