Feelings and Loss

Is it better to feel too much, or feel nothing at all?  Is it better to feel pain, or nothing? Is it better to feel attached or apart? 

Recently, a couple of things has brought me to ask these questions. 

A couple weeks ago, my friend sent a reply to my email (we email back and forth every few weeks).  I had asked him whether it was better to experience pain or nothing at all, and he answered that once you feel enough pain, the rest doesn't phase you.  He said that he wasn't phased by much, and whether it was a good or bad thing, it all depended on the person.  It makes me wonder how he got so hard, so blocked, because he truly is a strong, if not cold, person inside.  All he wants is to be successful, but honestly, why can't he just go and love someone?  Why, Lord, does he have to go through all this pain?  Why, did all these bad things have to happen to him, and cause him to be like this.  Why.  Of all the people, he is one that does not deserve it.  From what I know. 

The second, was today.  During gym class we were in the weight room just talking (not exercising like we were really supposed to >_>), and the subject of ruining people's lives came up.  Not seriously ruining... but yeah.  My best friend took me and my guy friend aside and told me the story of how the guy friend asked my other friend out on the last day of school.  Then, over the summer, he basically didn't like her anymore... and basically she was depressed and hated him.   And he didn't even apologize, etc.  It was like he didn't feel guilty, and he didn't feel hurt, while she got hurt a lot.  And my best friend got pissed at him for hurting our friend.  

It was like he didn't feel anything at all, while I on the other hand feel things too much.  I grew up too fast, and I honestly think I lost the essence of who I really was supposed to be.  I felt pain too early, and I guess I just bottled it all up inside.  I guess that the loss of love, and loneliness from friendship really burned me.  Some days, I just feel that I put up a front, or facade, and that my emotions swirling on the inside are ready to burst.  Like how I always push myself deeper into the darkness, and blame myself.  Is this better?  Worse?  Ha.  Who knows.

 The most recent was earlier tonight.  I went to a pizza party for my soccer team- end of season celebrating.  Then my coach announced that he wasn't going to coach anymore because his daughter was going to do dance instead of soccer.  Which basically means the team is breaking up, the people who want to continue playing soccer have to go find a new team.  Which is what I'm really nervous about.  I've been on the same team since... first grade, and even though I'm quiet and go to a different school, I still kind of have a sense of place.  I do miss a lot of practices because they're early, but the coach understands.  So what if the new coach doesn't?  What if I don't fit in, and what if the new coach doesn't know my skills as well?  Was it better for me to feel attached to this team, or apart?  When my coach hugged me, (he's a really tall, broad shoulders, skinny guy), I almost cried.  And that doesn't happen often.  

Life's been life.  A busy, bad, week.  Too many assignments and tests crammed in, too many phrases and quick moments.