For some reason...
I feel like everything's falling apart in my life.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Far Away
To be honest, I haven't even really been checking up on things here. Too much... I guess, has happened.
Why are we built as insecure? It's something to think about. Everyone has those deep fears inside of them, at some point in their lives. That they're not loved, that they don't belong, that they're falling apart.
My sister is leaving in a few days. For college. Saturday/Sunday, to be more exact. Now that I realize this, it's kind of... haunting and hollow. My eldest sister doesn't leave till September, but it's not like she's home all the time. I wasn't really close with my middle sister, when we were younger we would always get into fights, though we both loved our elder sister. Now that we're older, we are closer, but I can tell that she always prefers the eldest. Yesterday, at the dinner table, she asked if she could have 2 nights with her friends. Then, my mom... got all lecture-y, and said she had to pack, clean up, etc. She said no, basically. Throughout the years that I remember, one of the faces I had seen from my middle sister was when she was trying to hold in her tears. At points in our lives, we all hate our parents.
We both were similar, our parents both kept on pressuring us (all of us), not too hard, but still, to be successful, to study, to become engineers or computer scientists. Not teachers, artists, writers, etc. I've talked to my middle sister about this before. Why can't we just persue our dreams? There's one face, I'm certain, that she shows... when she's about to cry, or is desperately trying not to. I was never one to comfort, and it's awkward as the younger sister... and I believe she really needed my eldest sister, even though she wasn't there. We spent two years together, when our elder sister went to college. I can't say we're really close, but... close enough, for me to be going to miss her like hell. Being alone in the house is... lonely, to say.
Our family went to Thailand (3 days) and Japan (9 days) a week or two ago. Japan was for my middle sister's graduation present. Japan... was utterly and absolutely amazing. Yes, the heat was... annoying. Yes, we walked a lot. But still. I wake up, sometimes, wishing desperately to be there again. The people, the city, the shrines, the amazement. I want to go back. It feels like... the magic that we held, was gone, once we left Japan. I don't know. My middle sister loved it, I could tell.
When we visited the shrines and temples... I could feel something... different, so to speak. It's strange, but it was enough for me to doubt Christianity. I try to believe... but... I don't know. What right, does the Lord have, to send these people to Hell, just for not believing, and their sins? They have their own religion, their own beliefs. In fact, with Shinto, they believe that evil things are not caused by humans, but by evil spirits. (I did a small research paper on that two years ago) I honestly... can't know. I guess I'm just doubting the very threads of Christianity. Is the Lord kind, gentle? Or is he stern? Did he not raise us to be questioning?
I feel like... I'm far away, unable to make out the fine lines of who I really am.
Why are we built as insecure? It's something to think about. Everyone has those deep fears inside of them, at some point in their lives. That they're not loved, that they don't belong, that they're falling apart.
My sister is leaving in a few days. For college. Saturday/Sunday, to be more exact. Now that I realize this, it's kind of... haunting and hollow. My eldest sister doesn't leave till September, but it's not like she's home all the time. I wasn't really close with my middle sister, when we were younger we would always get into fights, though we both loved our elder sister. Now that we're older, we are closer, but I can tell that she always prefers the eldest. Yesterday, at the dinner table, she asked if she could have 2 nights with her friends. Then, my mom... got all lecture-y, and said she had to pack, clean up, etc. She said no, basically. Throughout the years that I remember, one of the faces I had seen from my middle sister was when she was trying to hold in her tears. At points in our lives, we all hate our parents.
We both were similar, our parents both kept on pressuring us (all of us), not too hard, but still, to be successful, to study, to become engineers or computer scientists. Not teachers, artists, writers, etc. I've talked to my middle sister about this before. Why can't we just persue our dreams? There's one face, I'm certain, that she shows... when she's about to cry, or is desperately trying not to. I was never one to comfort, and it's awkward as the younger sister... and I believe she really needed my eldest sister, even though she wasn't there. We spent two years together, when our elder sister went to college. I can't say we're really close, but... close enough, for me to be going to miss her like hell. Being alone in the house is... lonely, to say.
Our family went to Thailand (3 days) and Japan (9 days) a week or two ago. Japan was for my middle sister's graduation present. Japan... was utterly and absolutely amazing. Yes, the heat was... annoying. Yes, we walked a lot. But still. I wake up, sometimes, wishing desperately to be there again. The people, the city, the shrines, the amazement. I want to go back. It feels like... the magic that we held, was gone, once we left Japan. I don't know. My middle sister loved it, I could tell.
When we visited the shrines and temples... I could feel something... different, so to speak. It's strange, but it was enough for me to doubt Christianity. I try to believe... but... I don't know. What right, does the Lord have, to send these people to Hell, just for not believing, and their sins? They have their own religion, their own beliefs. In fact, with Shinto, they believe that evil things are not caused by humans, but by evil spirits. (I did a small research paper on that two years ago) I honestly... can't know. I guess I'm just doubting the very threads of Christianity. Is the Lord kind, gentle? Or is he stern? Did he not raise us to be questioning?
I feel like... I'm far away, unable to make out the fine lines of who I really am.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Happiness
Today, I was walking to the building my class was in, during the afternoon. The sky was brilliant, with clouds of gray, white, and the sky was blue. It was just brilliant. I felt content, then. I felt... satisfied. It was only less than a minute when I walked to the building... but I thought about true happiness. To be honest, I can only say about 2 or 3 times when I was truly happy in these past two years. Last summer, and the december of 2008. I felt... accepted, with friends. I could push all my worries away.
The sky... was brilliant.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Sky
The one sight of nature that never fails to amaze me... is the sky. Whenever I look up at it, I truly can feel it's brilliance. Just the clouds, the morning sun rays, peeking through. It's all beautiful.
Sometimes... I feel so confused. Recently, I've been thinking about church, my future, etc. Church. Every week, I feel like I'm afraid to go. Even though I used to be able to look forward to it... now I'm just afraid of being rejected. There are so many flaws I have, compared to everyone else. My future. I was talking to my middle sister last night, about our parents. She said something similar to that they want us to take the easiest road out, so when we're done with college, we can do whatever we want. My parents want me to go to Electrical Engineering. My dad said that it is the center of everything. But... I honeslty can't say I want to do that. And I have at least, if not more 8 years befor I'm out of college. I can't put up with it... if I don't love it. I said I wanted to do something like teaching, about creative writing or something. To express yourself. Or teaching about life, etc. I don't know. I'm just.... confused. Lost. Sick of this. And I was also talking about high schools to go to. For some reason, my mom's really against one of them, that I believe is a good school.
Sometimes... I feel so confused. Recently, I've been thinking about church, my future, etc. Church. Every week, I feel like I'm afraid to go. Even though I used to be able to look forward to it... now I'm just afraid of being rejected. There are so many flaws I have, compared to everyone else. My future. I was talking to my middle sister last night, about our parents. She said something similar to that they want us to take the easiest road out, so when we're done with college, we can do whatever we want. My parents want me to go to Electrical Engineering. My dad said that it is the center of everything. But... I honeslty can't say I want to do that. And I have at least, if not more 8 years befor I'm out of college. I can't put up with it... if I don't love it. I said I wanted to do something like teaching, about creative writing or something. To express yourself. Or teaching about life, etc. I don't know. I'm just.... confused. Lost. Sick of this. And I was also talking about high schools to go to. For some reason, my mom's really against one of them, that I believe is a good school.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
...
For some reason I feel like I haven't posted in a while... but it's only been 2 days. Lot of things happened, yet at the same time, not much actually did. On Monday, got the day off from my class/camp/course thing, Federal Holiday because of the 4th of July on Sunday. We and my two sisters, and mom went on a shopping trip to the outlet stores. Fun, fun, fun. Girl's day out?
My fingers are freezing as I'm typing this. Funny thing is, is that during the day, it's burning outside. Like really, really hot. But, inside, it's kind of cold. Too much AC.
Too many emotions have been flickering through my head, and it's just... I don't know. Wishing I could just look at the present, instead of desperatly searching for remenants of my past.
My fingers are freezing as I'm typing this. Funny thing is, is that during the day, it's burning outside. Like really, really hot. But, inside, it's kind of cold. Too much AC.
Too many emotions have been flickering through my head, and it's just... I don't know. Wishing I could just look at the present, instead of desperatly searching for remenants of my past.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Lost
Memories. Pain. People. Smiles. Laughs. Hate.
Tears.
The last week, I've been at the same campus as last year. Memories keep on overflowing, the people that I love... are gone. Lost because of lack of communication. I still love him, and it still hurts.
Does time truly wear away pain? I had a discussion with my friend, earlier. I argued against him, saying that it just... made the memories fade away.
I'm trying to write it all down. Last summer. But there are gaps, spaces. Memories long forgotten.
Every time I enter that place, I can see those faces.
It hurts.
I don't know anymore. Sometimes, I feel like I'm... truly lost, now.
How ironic.
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