Far Away

To be honest, I haven't even really been checking up on things here.  Too much... I guess, has happened. 

Why are we built as insecure?  It's something to think about.  Everyone has those deep fears inside of them, at some point in their lives.  That they're not loved, that they don't belong, that they're falling apart. 

My sister is leaving in a few days.  For college.  Saturday/Sunday, to be more exact.  Now that I realize this, it's kind of... haunting and hollow.  My eldest sister doesn't leave till September, but it's not like she's home all the time.  I wasn't really close with my middle sister, when we were younger we would always get into fights, though we both loved our elder sister.  Now that we're older, we are closer, but I can tell that she always prefers the eldest.  Yesterday, at the dinner table, she asked if she could have 2 nights with her friends.  Then, my mom... got all lecture-y, and said she had to pack, clean up, etc.  She said no, basically.  Throughout the years that I remember, one of the faces I had seen from my middle sister was when she was trying to hold in her tears.  At points in our lives, we all hate our parents. 

We both were similar, our parents both kept on pressuring us (all of us), not too hard, but still, to be successful, to study, to become engineers or computer scientists.  Not teachers, artists, writers, etc.  I've talked to my middle sister about this before.  Why can't we just persue our dreams?  There's one face, I'm certain, that she shows... when she's about to cry, or is desperately trying not to.  I was never one to comfort, and it's awkward as the younger sister... and I believe she really needed my eldest sister, even though she wasn't there. We spent two years together, when our elder sister went to college.  I can't say we're really close, but... close enough, for me to be going to miss her like hell.  Being alone in the house is... lonely, to say.   
 Our family went to Thailand (3 days) and Japan (9 days) a week or two ago.  Japan was for my middle sister's graduation present.  Japan... was utterly and absolutely amazing.  Yes, the heat was... annoying.  Yes, we walked a lot.  But still.  I wake up, sometimes, wishing desperately to be there again.  The people, the city, the shrines, the amazement.  I want to go back.  It feels like... the magic that we held, was gone, once we left Japan.  I don't know.  My middle sister loved it, I could tell.

When we visited the shrines and temples... I could feel something... different, so to speak.  It's strange, but it was enough for me to doubt Christianity.  I try to believe... but... I don't know.  What right, does the Lord have, to send these people to Hell, just for not believing, and their sins?  They have their own religion, their own beliefs.  In fact, with Shinto, they believe that evil things are not caused by humans, but by evil spirits.  (I did a small research paper on that two years ago)  I honestly... can't know.  I guess I'm just doubting the very threads of Christianity.  Is the Lord kind, gentle?  Or is he stern?  Did he not raise us to be questioning? 

I feel like... I'm far away, unable to make out the fine lines of who I really am.