Recap.

Happy Mothers Day, to all you mothers.

This past week... I was tired. Weary. Suddenly, I've lost all my answers. Suddenly, I know, that I honestly don't know what to do with this life.

When you're expected to follow a path, what do you do, when you just want to live up to your own expectations?

Is it alright, to just say 'Screw this. I don't want to wear myself out. This isn't worth my time.'?

Is it alright, to be who I am?

I need answers.

And there's only one place, that I feel like I can find them.

And... it's not here.

Don't know anymore.

Everything. Is. So. Screwed. Up.

Only one thing I'm sure of.

I want to leave that place.

It didn't help that today brought me down. It didn't help that I lost to someone whose speech didn't captivate me.

But I thought about it this morning. I never would have fit in, even if I tried hard to be someone who I wasn't.

I never would have felt the same, as I did then.

They wouldn't understand. My online life, didn't revolve around that group. I was there for the role play. For that thrill.

Funny thing is... I remember my first role play. It was there, in a group, that was... okay. I liked the people. So many things, that I remember... And I just enjoyed talking to people, asking how life was. Heck. Though honestly...

My heart left, when RE broke apart.

When Max left.

When I lost so many friends.

When Marco left, countless of times.

When so many groups that I belonged to, broke apart.

And honestly?

I'm tired of this crap.

Never Surrender.

Never Surrender - Skillet
Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?

Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
Never surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?

Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Make me feel better, you make me feel better
You make me feel better, put me back together

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I need to feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Put me back together
Never surrender, make me feel better
You make me feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

2 more months. Only, 2 more months.
Since I first, and last, saw him...

Everyday, it's becoming harder and harder to not surrender. Everyday, something always seems to stop me. Only a month and a half left of school.

Next year... nothing will be the same. Ironic, how we desperately try to cling onto things, that never remain.

Screw it.

Hmmm...

Tired. Though happier than usual. Helping out at my old school with a play ~

Got a new desk, and all. It looks so neat now...

Tired. Really tired.

Feeling groggy. (that word reminds me of froggy... but yeah. ) Tired. Luckily, I don't have homework, right now... too lazy to do any, I'll push off the science text book for tomorrow.

Slipping away.

You know when you lose people, like lose contact, or the things, classes, you do together have stopped? Why do we so often just go like - okay, I'll miss that person... but you just come accustomed to not having them there? Or not even care? Heck.

Today was the last day of my session for tennis. I got to advance to the next level! Yeah! Finally... though I might not do it because of schedule conflict and just stay with the current one... but I had a friend (ish) person who I always enjoyed seeing. His name is Thomas. He's a really cheerful guy, with light brown hair. Probably a year younger than me. Lol, he nicknamed himself 'Frenchman' before. He advanced to, and I was really happy. Though after this, I probably won't see him anymore, if I don't chose to go to the next level, which could conflict with my schedule. I wonder what it'll be like... without him? I don't know. I don't love him, but I love him as a friend. Someone who could cheer me up. But I know that he'll just become another one of my memories, stuck... if I don't do anything.

Love, Hate.

I still love him. No matter how much I've tried... I still love him.

Ironic how he'll never.