Define

There's this heavy weariness that's fallen over me, one that won't fade even after hours of sleep.  This numb pain that only comes when it's not welcome.  Tears that won't fall, no matter how much I try.  I keep on trying to make myself believe my own lies, but how long can I keep up this facade?  Sometimes I'm screaming so hard but no noise can be heard.  I'm so weak.  I'm so weak that I've always tried to push my problems onto someone else, and hope that they would be solved.  I'm so weak that I've let myself be thrown around, pushed to others' expectations.  I can't even say goodbye, nor accept the fact that he'll never reply again.  Whenever I check my email, I always feel this tug of wanting to see his.  I'm so damn weak that all I've ever wanted was to be understood, and even loved for what I was.  All I've ever done was cause pain to my ownself, just stuck in this tug of war.  I learned pain too fast, grew up too soon. 

The funny thing is, death is all around us.  I remember those small instincts I've had, when I was walking through the street.  Should I have stopped in the middle, and waited till a car run over me?  Or should I have jumped into the water, to drown myself.  But I know that running away isn't the answer.  Nor is... inflicting pain upon myself.  I'm too weak to even do that.  All I know is that I'm running, but going nowhere.

I am a tree with no branches, with nothing but my roots to define me.