Tuesday, August 2, 2011

"This life chose me"

Make it stop,
Let this end.
This life chose me, I'm not lost in sin.
But proud I stand of who I am,
I plan to go on living.

Make It Stop (September's Children) - Rise Against

No words could have inspired me more, could have told me to keep on going.  To push past everything, and go find my life.  

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Template

It took me the longest time to actually change my blog template, and... I think I just wanted to try something new.  I've had the same template since I first started, and I wanted to change my mindset, I guess.  (*sobs* it looks so different....) I miss the simplicity of my old temp.  But I do hope this one works out, because I think I just... want to change. 

Choking Inside

Day by day, I wonder how long I can fool my self.  Lie, constantly.  Half the time, I feel like I'm choking inside - a painful feeling right in the middle of my chest.


"It's going to be alright." "I don't love him anymore." "He... never meant anything to me." "There's still friendship between us."  "I'll become stronger, I'll try harder."   
"I know who I am.  Me."

Things ring through my mind, and whenever I think of someone, someone who meant something to me... it hurts.  It hurts to know that it'll never be the same.  It hurts to know that someday, we'll have forgotten all about eachother, and the days we were together will become a distant, buried memory.
But you know what he would say?  That's life.  Bloody, cruel, unfair, life.

Which is why he ran away from it, and closed himself off.  Right now, I can't really blame him.  I can't blame him for cutting connections, for faking smiles.  For feeling damn confined.  I've been there, done that.  In the end, it's all the same.  I'm still chained in tears, in pain.  In loss. 

Sometimes, I think I spent my life... loving the wrong people, living for illusions and prancing dreams.  

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Somehow

Before, I remember idly waiting for his reply, just being cheered up at looking at my inbox.  I remember wishing I could have saved him. 

Of course now, I ridicule at that.  I know now that no matter how hard I tried, he would have stayed the same.

He was the most important person in my life, and I only realize this now.  He changed my life, and somehow, I still need him.  I guess this is a matter of friendship, of wanting to be accepted.  Of being someone who can accept herself.  To be stronger, to lose that soft side.

Somehow. 

Friday, July 15, 2011

Forever Young

Back from the dead (or camp) after three weeks.  I just had the best time of my life, but now it's over, I guess.  I'll never forget what happened these past weeks, days.  I truly danced (at a dance) for the first time in my life.  I basically spilled my whole... story of my past to a friend.  I learned so much, and I've had an awesome teacher and TA.  My roommate was awesome, my classmates were great. 

But everything comes to an end. 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
-Maya Angelou
I won't forget these days, that Mr. Brightside dance, even the slow dances (Forever Young), playing Pres(ident), learning Crypt, or sitting next to a tree (called Berlin) in the mornings.  I'll never forget the people I spent my time with.   

CODEA.LAN.11.1

"Forever young, I want to be forever young... do you really want to live forever, forever young."

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Beginning

On Saturday, I had my hair cut.  Somehow, I guess most things I do are for symbolism.  I wanted a new beginning.  And this time, a better ending to the chapter. 

I ended school last week on Thursday; Wednesday was the last time I saw him.  Hopefully, the last time I would look at him with these feelings.  I'm moving on, because I know that my love for him would never be returned.  I wrote him a letter, and he told my friend... to tell me "thank you".  Even though he didn't say it straight out, I know that he rejected me.

I need to move on, and I need to end this love that began in September.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Words

It's been a while, more than a month.  I guess... I just kept putting it off, not wanting to write down a new post.  Nothing interesting recently, I suppose.  I keep on thinking life's average, but I hate the humps and hills that come up.  Sometimes, I hate the repetition, or the irregularity.  School's almost done for me, a week and a half left.  This summer's going to be... busy.  Volunteering, camp/course, etc.  I hate the end of the school year.  Too many people I won't ever see again in the upper class.  Too many words left unspoken.

Speaking of words... recently, I realized something that I hate.  Words can easily hurt me.  They can pierce through my heart, and break me into shattered pieces.  Sure, I can tape myself back together.  But it's never the same.  Sometimes, what people say, it doesn't matter.  But the people I care about, or who I want to... live up to their expectations.  Even for something they don't mean, it hurts me inside.  I remember once I cried, because of something my friend said in his email.  He was scolding me or something. 

Does this show who I really am?  Someone who just wants to be... what other people want me to be?  There was once a girl that I wanted to be, but right now, I'm not sure if she's what I want, or what they want.

Part of me wants to dream, to be able to trust him.  The other just wants to push him away, to make myself seem stronger.  

In reality, all that's left in me is broken pieces, that I'm trying so hard to fit it all together.  The thing is, everything doesn't fit together.  What am I?