Maybe

Audience of One - Rise Against
I can still remember
The words and what they meant
As we etched them with our fingers
In years of wet cement
The days blurred into each other
Though everything seemed clear
We cruised along at half speed
But then we shifted gears

We ran like vampires from a thousand burning sons
But even then we should have stayed
But we ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
To the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness away

But you ranaway
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

We ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Maybe our time's run past, maybe we cannot connect like we once did.  We just keep on running away, now.

Never the Same

I was originally going to write about the inspirations I've been having this week... but a wave of nostalgia caught me and I decided that there was someone I needed to write about. 

Back to the three weeks I spent up in PA, I made a really good friend that I think I related a lot to.  Generally, I'm not the type of person to be outgoing and talk to random people.  It was during the lunch hour, I believe, and I was outside on the "quad" or grassy area, sitting under a large tree... watching the sunlight trickle down through the branches.  A random guy came up to me, with his backpack (which he always carried around), and he asked if he could join me.  Eventually we got to know eachother well, and I found out that his class was on the same floor as mine.  And we started eating breakfast together each morning (we both ate early), etc...  If we weren't given these circumstances, I know we would have never gotten to know eachother.  He's living across the globe in Malaysia, and he's not usually the type of person I would talk to.  But I think he amazed me, when I got to know him better.  He has dreams, goals... and he's extremely hard working.  To be honest, there was one thought that flashed across my mind, everytime I talked to him.  He was like a king, watching over everyone.  Maybe it was the way he observed people, or the expression on his face.  I'm still not quite sure.

I remember on the last Wednesday, during the free time we had from 9 to 9:45, there was a slideshow and I decided to go over and watch it.  He saw me, and we started talking again.  He's been searching for a best friend on the internet, and somehow, I spilled everything about Max.  I think that was the final point that made us relate to eachother a lot.  But now that I realize it, he was so much different than me.  I'm so conflicted about my dreams, while he has a straight goal.  And... just our personalities, I guess.  But one thing that made me laugh was when he said he made friends easily with girls, but because of his religion (Islamic), he needed to find a "guy best friend".  Then I told him... "Is it just coincidence that the people important in my life are guys?"  I'll always remember that conversation, haha. 

Now that we're back home, I realize how far apart we truly are.  Some people you feel more comfortable talking to online, some face to face.  I guess he's the sort of person I really wanted to talk to in person.

The reason why I wrote this post about him (which I actually hope he never sees) was because I wanted to cherish the time we spent together and to remember the happiness that will never come back.  Even as much as we want it to, our friendship will never be the same.  It goes a lot like that, for everyone, at some point.  You just gotta let go. 

"This life chose me"

Make it stop,
Let this end.
This life chose me, I'm not lost in sin.
But proud I stand of who I am,
I plan to go on living.

Make It Stop (September's Children) - Rise Against

No words could have inspired me more, could have told me to keep on going.  To push past everything, and go find my life.  

Template

It took me the longest time to actually change my blog template, and... I think I just wanted to try something new.  I've had the same template since I first started, and I wanted to change my mindset, I guess.  (*sobs* it looks so different....) I miss the simplicity of my old temp.  But I do hope this one works out, because I think I just... want to change. 

Choking Inside

Day by day, I wonder how long I can fool my self.  Lie, constantly.  Half the time, I feel like I'm choking inside - a painful feeling right in the middle of my chest.

"It's going to be alright." "I don't love him anymore." "He... never meant anything to me." "There's still friendship between us."  "I'll become stronger, I'll try harder."   

"I know who I am.  Me."

Things ring through my mind, and whenever I think of someone, someone who meant something to me... it hurts.  It hurts to know that it'll never be the same.  It hurts to know that someday, we'll have forgotten all about eachother, and the days we were together will become a distant, buried memory.

But you know what he would say?  That's life.  Bloody, cruel, unfair, life.

Which is why he ran away from it, and closed himself off.  Right now, I can't really blame him.  I can't blame him for cutting connections, for faking smiles.  For feeling damn confined.  I've been there, done that.  In the end, it's all the same.  I'm still chained in tears, in pain.  In loss. 

Sometimes, I think I spent my life... loving the wrong people, living for illusions and prancing dreams.  

Somehow

Before, I remember idly waiting for his reply, just being cheered up at looking at my inbox.  I remember wishing I could have saved him. 

Of course now, I ridicule at that.  I know now that no matter how hard I tried, he would have stayed the same.

He was the most important person in my life, and I only realize this now.  He changed my life, and somehow, I still need him.  I guess this is a matter of friendship, of wanting to be accepted.  Of being someone who can accept herself.  To be stronger, to lose that soft side.

Somehow. 

Forever Young

Back from the dead (or camp) after three weeks.  I just had the best time of my life, but now it's over, I guess.  I'll never forget what happened these past weeks, days.  I truly danced (at a dance) for the first time in my life.  I basically spilled my whole... story of my past to a friend.  I learned so much, and I've had an awesome teacher and TA.  My roommate was awesome, my classmates were great. 

But everything comes to an end. 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

-Maya Angelou

I won't forget these days, that Mr. Brightside dance, even the slow dances (Forever Young), playing Pres(ident), learning Crypt, or sitting next to a tree (called Berlin) in the mornings.  I'll never forget the people I spent my time with.   

CODEA.LAN.11.1

"Forever young, I want to be forever young... do you really want to live forever, forever young."