The Things I'd Say to You

I'd say that things have been an emotional rollercoaster, as people say.  I'd say that I wish things hadn't happened, but they have and I can't regret it now.  I'd say that I miss him, but it's more like a dull pain now, in the midst of everything.  I'd say that I'm happy with who I am, but I haven't come out yet to others.  I'd say that I'm okay, but then I'd be lying.

The things, that I'd say to you. 

Letting Go

It took me a long time to realize this (two years, I'm guessing) - but even now, I can't fully grasp the concept or the courage at all.  If you truly want something, then put your foot down, and just go for it.  Yes, people will judge you.  Hell.  Wherever you go, people will judge you.  Nothing's going to change that.  But life is beyond looking good for someone, life is beyond trying to fulfill someone else's expectations.  It's about being happy, and being content.

About two, three weeks ago, I finally said to my father that I was going to quit karate.  Surprisingly, he said yes, and I've tried out badminton (it was... interesting, but I'm still sore), and I think I'll try other things out as well.  It took me so much courage to stand up for myself, and I'm finally away from that fear.  I'm finally free, in that sense.  Karate created so much fear, fear of being shot down and of being taunted.  Always being compared, always being pushed and no longer encouraged.  I still don't know if it was the right choice... but I can tell you this.  I am happier and more content as a person, then I would ever be if I didn't quit.

"This isn't giving up, no this is letting go."

Highschools, Rise Against, and the Time of My Life

This past weekend has been one of the best in my life, I have been one of the luckiest people ever.

Saturday afternoon, after months of waiting and weeks of painfully filling out applications and studying, I received my highschool letters, telling me whether I was accepted into their programs.  And I got into both.  The moment I read the first letter, it was just like BAM.  I've gotten into the highschool of my dreams, and everything felt right.  And after a bunch of flurrying on facebook, seeing who had gotten in and all, everything was just... ahhh. 

The day after wards, on Sunday night, I headed out with my father to the Patriot Center to see Rise Against - LIVE.  They just blew me away.  The opening song, Survivor's Guilt, was so suspenseful when they finally came out after the two opening bands, the Menzingers and A Day to Remember.  Favorite moments were when Tim just came out with his acoustic guitar and played/sang Audience of One and Swing Life Away alone.  The sound was great, and I stood up the whole time.  Everything he said was just... amazing, and I really enjoyed it.  There are bands that you're interested in listening to, and you like the lyrics and everything.  But then there are bands that inspire you and show you what this world is about - and Rise Against is one of those bands.  

Set list (thanks to a video on youtube)
1. Survivor Guilt
2. Ready to Fall
3. Collapse (Post-Amerika)
4. The Good Left Undone
5. Broken English
6. Help Is on the Way
7. Disparity by Design
8. Drones
9. Re-Education (Through Labor)
10. Blood to Bleed
11. Satellite
12. Paper Wings
13. Prayer of the Refugee
14. Audience of One
15. Swing Life Away
16. Make It Stop (September's Children)
17. Give It All
18. Midnight Hands
19. The Strength to Go On
20. Savior

 Thanks to whoever uploaded it, I'm truly grateful.

Change

Happy Late New Year, and an upcoming Chinese New Year as well (next monday, I believe).  It's ironic how I'm supposed to be studying right now, and... I'm actually writing a post, but oh well. 

So many things have happened this year that I am incredibly grateful for.  I had the courage to stand up for myself, my friend helped me and I got a chance to truly talk/chat with him after many months.  I think I'm starting... to understand myself better, and I'm trying to keep myself optimistic. 

Hopefully things work out for everyone, and I'm just waiting until February for highschool results.  Then it's March, and April.  (Just starting a countdown, lol.) 

"Now I'll never have a chance."

Hear You Me (May Angels Lead You In)

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

I have nearly cried everytime I have heard this song.  No, he hasn't died yet.  But he's gone from my life and I'm letting go.  I'm sorry I never got to say thank you.  

I apologize for not posting since... forever.  And I know this isn't a very extensive post, but this song means a lot to me.  

Maybe

Audience of One - Rise Against
I can still remember
The words and what they meant
As we etched them with our fingers
In years of wet cement
The days blurred into each other
Though everything seemed clear
We cruised along at half speed
But then we shifted gears

We ran like vampires from a thousand burning sons
But even then we should have stayed
But we ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
To the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness away

But you ranaway
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

We ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Maybe our time's run past, maybe we cannot connect like we once did.  We just keep on running away, now.

Never the Same

I was originally going to write about the inspirations I've been having this week... but a wave of nostalgia caught me and I decided that there was someone I needed to write about. 

Back to the three weeks I spent up in PA, I made a really good friend that I think I related a lot to.  Generally, I'm not the type of person to be outgoing and talk to random people.  It was during the lunch hour, I believe, and I was outside on the "quad" or grassy area, sitting under a large tree... watching the sunlight trickle down through the branches.  A random guy came up to me, with his backpack (which he always carried around), and he asked if he could join me.  Eventually we got to know eachother well, and I found out that his class was on the same floor as mine.  And we started eating breakfast together each morning (we both ate early), etc...  If we weren't given these circumstances, I know we would have never gotten to know eachother.  He's living across the globe in Malaysia, and he's not usually the type of person I would talk to.  But I think he amazed me, when I got to know him better.  He has dreams, goals... and he's extremely hard working.  To be honest, there was one thought that flashed across my mind, everytime I talked to him.  He was like a king, watching over everyone.  Maybe it was the way he observed people, or the expression on his face.  I'm still not quite sure.

I remember on the last Wednesday, during the free time we had from 9 to 9:45, there was a slideshow and I decided to go over and watch it.  He saw me, and we started talking again.  He's been searching for a best friend on the internet, and somehow, I spilled everything about Max.  I think that was the final point that made us relate to eachother a lot.  But now that I realize it, he was so much different than me.  I'm so conflicted about my dreams, while he has a straight goal.  And... just our personalities, I guess.  But one thing that made me laugh was when he said he made friends easily with girls, but because of his religion (Islamic), he needed to find a "guy best friend".  Then I told him... "Is it just coincidence that the people important in my life are guys?"  I'll always remember that conversation, haha. 

Now that we're back home, I realize how far apart we truly are.  Some people you feel more comfortable talking to online, some face to face.  I guess he's the sort of person I really wanted to talk to in person.

The reason why I wrote this post about him (which I actually hope he never sees) was because I wanted to cherish the time we spent together and to remember the happiness that will never come back.  Even as much as we want it to, our friendship will never be the same.  It goes a lot like that, for everyone, at some point.  You just gotta let go.